Zauna {COMPLETED}

Announcement. Very important!

Guys, I wanted to apologize for not keeping up with my schedule. I've been going through a lot lately, from moving to finding out my best friend was leaving me and going to another school.
I have sever anxiety and minor depression, and all the stress I'm going through isn't helping.
Going into the new school year, I want to focus on keeping my grades well and fixing broken relationships with friends.
That means I won't be able to keep up with Wattpad very much.
I know that's no excuse as to why I'm not being consistent now, but I'm going to get into that.
Like I said, I've got anxiety and depression. With my anxiety, I tend to get nervous about everything. Nervous about going out in public, nervous about what to eat, nervous about even saying hello to my family. And I have panic attacks frequently. Today I've had seventeen panic attacks. Each has lasted fifteen minutes and are all within a half hour of each other.
Most days I don't get out of bed.
I quit Instagram due to hate. I had a mental breakdown because of everything people were saying about me.
I started that Instagram to be myself. And I'm just scared that I'll have to quit here if people from my school found out. They'd bully me on here too.
I've considered suicide. Cutting.
But in the end, it's knowing that I'd leaving you guys behind hat keeps me alive.
But until I know I can trust people enough to tell them this account is mine and exists, once I know I can lean on someone irl for support if I need to, I'll come back and post frequently.
I have major trust issues.
Mainly because I poured my heart out to other people and they walk out of my life.
It's going to take some time for me to regain my trust in people.
But until then, I'm all alone.
I don't want to do this. But my education is more important to me. I want to go far in life. I want to show those people who hurt me that they didn't break me.
It's going to be hard, this school year. It'll be like going to a new school. I know most people who are going into the new school year with me, but I'm going in without my best friends.
I've figured that the first day, I'll sit alone and secluded.
I don't like to talk to people. But if someone comes up to me and notices I'm hurting, and they ask me what's wrong, I'll talk to them.
I won't pour my heart out until I know them. I'll just scratch the surface.
If they chose to stick with me even after that, then I know we can talk more often.
If yet constantly chose me over the more popular girls, then I know we would be okay hanging out.
If they ask if they can do anything to help me, if they offer to just listen one day, we can be friends.
If they invite me to their place to talk, if they willingly sit with me, willingly speak to me, willingly do anything, I would trust them.
It takes a lot for me to trust people now. All thanks to one person.
I'll cry myself to sleep because of her.
I'll go to break at school and sit in the corner of he schoolyard and cry because of her.
I'll cry because no one wants to talk to me. Because I'm worthless. Because I don't deserve to live.
People say that's weak. Babyish. People say we cry because we're weak.
They're wrong. We cry because we've been strong for too long. I never forget who hurt me and why so that I can avoid being hurt he same way again.
I want to address something else.
Someone who means a lot to me.  Someone who brought my friends to life.
I have learned more from people who never existed.
I've befriended pixels.
I know I can open my laptop screen and they'll be here.
They make me smile.
They make me laugh.
They make me cry.
They make me mad.
Who are they?
Aaron, Aphmau, Daniel, Laurance, Garroth, Kim, Dante, Gene, Sylvanna, Melissa, Derek, Rachel, Dottie, Blaze, June, Daniel, Lucinda, Katelyn, Nicole, Zane, Kawaii~Chan, Ein, Kai.
Why?
Because they can't judge me.
They can't bully me.
They can't hurt me.
They can't see me.
They only help...
Few things help me nowadays with my anxiety and depression, but they are one of the things.
Them and music.
I have a list of songs and bass I listen to when I'm anxious or feel like I dm the deserve a chance.
Linkin Park
Imagine Dragons
Coldplay
Ed Sheeran
Green Day
Plain White Ts
Snow Patrol
Bon Jovi
Christina Perri
The songs.
Heavy
Numb
In The End
What I've done
Demons
Radioactive
Shots
Im On Top Of The World
Something Just Like This
Paradise
Yellow
Fix You
Hymn For The Weekend {and others I've forgotten}
Castle In The Hill
Bibia Be Ye Ye
Photograph
Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
1,2,3,4
Chasing Cars
This House Is Not For Sale
Rollercoaster
Superman Tonight
Jar of Hearts
Arms
A Thousand Years
The Monster
Wake Me Up
Somebody That I Used To Know
I'm The Bad Guy {cover by Caleb Hyles I think that's his name}
So many good songs.
But I'm made fun of for that.
Yes, I've gotten off track.
Basically, I'm taking a break from Wattpad starting this coming Monday because I want to focus on my grades and friendships and because my anxiety and depression are too much.
I'll miss you.
Of course I will.
I'll still try to update a chapter as often as I can.
Whenever I get the chance I'll update.
When I have an idea I'll update.
I know a lot of you will leave. Go ahead. I'm not stopping you.
But know that you can come back whenever.
If you don't support my choice, that's fine. You don't have to.
I'm only doing this so I don't break apart and kill myself.
Believe me, I've wanted to do badly the past month.
I just hope that you all can forgive me.
This isn't the first choice, but it's the only one that seems fair.
The other ones?
Giving up on life.
Not telling you and deleting my account.
Quitting and giving no answer.
I'll think about you often.
Please forgive me for my choices. I'll miss you.
Thank you for supporting me no matter what.
I promise I'll try to come back.
Give it a month and I'll update you and my decision.
I promise I won't forget about you.
I'll check here often.
The stories I said that will be posted this week will be posted. Starting Monday, everything will be less frequent.
My schedule will be broken.
But as soon as I build up the confidence, I'll come back.
I promise...