entry 365 ➸ harry styles

XIX

{ my boy - billy eilish }

30 days after i received the letter, i decided it was time to make a final decision. id taken the full 30 days to figure it out because i wanted to ensure i knew exactly what i was doing.

inside my head there were three voices. they all spoke to me in turn, its like they all met at an oak table inside my brain and brought about my indecisive nature.

one of those voices was as negative and dark as a demon. his voice shook with fear, as he advised me on what to do, "dont do it. he'll only leave you again" and "you're a fool for thinking anyone could love you".

the second voice was more sunlight manipulated, "hey. its a beautiful day, just like yourself. take your time, harry will understand" was what the voice had been telling me every single morning since i read the letter.

the third voice was telling me to not care, and harry will come to me. "look, kiddo. seeing him will only drain your energy, energy you dont have to drain. if you needs you, he'll see you. its simple".

when all three had finished arguing, stating their thoughts, they turned to me to make a final decision. all three answers seemed relatively reasonable, but only one could be chosen.

i just hoped to god i was making the right one.

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my feet wandered into the living room where alex was. i told him about the letter 3 days after i received it, and he was not happy that harry was back, and that i was even contemplating seeing him.

he didnt deny the fact that he was insanely jealous; he just said he cared too much to let me go back to an 'emotional manipulator'. but thats not what id label harry at all - he helped me, he really did.

alex had been avoiding me for the last week, or two, i couldnt really remember. i couldnt even pinpoint what his touch felt like anymore, or even what his voice sounded like.

i sensed that he was slowly letting go. that he was growing less in love with me with every passing second. and i guess that was the worst thing about the whole situation. i knew this would happen, i knew as soon as harry found me alex would give up.

the way he felt about me wasnt dying quick, so all i could do was watch him slowly fade away from me, and become hostile in the process.

"alex," i whispered, leaning on the door frame with a hand placed on my hip, "can we talk?" i questioned.

"about what?" alex spat back, not even bothering to look me in the eyes.

"you know what."

alex did look at me this time, his eyes shot me a painful glare. it hurt to think that id hurt him, he was nothing but good to me. and this was how i re payed him, by breaking his trust.

"you know what myla. im not even upset anymore, or hurt, or angry. im just disappointed in you" alex scoffed, shaking his head before he looked down at the floor. "you told me he made you feel worthless, so if you want to feel like that again, then go ahead. i wont stop you."

i felt the words cut through me like knives, i was only going to see harry. who said anything about going back to him? or maybe he saw right through me. maybe he knew i was not fully over him, and thats why it was eating away at him.

"so when you walk out that door myla, we're done." he huffed.

and thats when i realised he truly had fallen out of love with me. he let go of me thirty days ago when i welcomed harry back into my life without even telling me.