entry 365 ➸ harry styles

XV

a/n: this is the chapter XIV but in harry's point of view. this explains why he didnt show up.

{ wasted - MKTO }

was i crazy to think that harry would come? was i crazy to have trust in him?

as i sat there, hopelessly starting at the passing view, i was smothered in the idea of what if. what if harry did come.

what if.

but he didnt come, harry did not want to be with me and it was time i accepted that.

then

HARRY

i overlooked my mother's gravestone. there was a cruel irony in the gravestone. it stood there with its youthful glow, strong, erect, ready to last a hundred years or more.

but my mother was six feet under, starting her inevitable decay.

her flesh returned to the soil, the memories evaporated, her life extinguished.

i was angry, more than angry. death had taken my beautiful mother and all that was left was a cold, immobile gravestone which didnt represent her kindness, or twinkling eyes.

if i believed in god, id pray.

i thought about death often. but i also thought about life now too. because my life was slowly becoming myla, she was my light on my darkest days. she kept my pain away.

myla was ethereal.

some would say shes a diamond in the rough, but i just see her as a diamond. shes so effortlessly beautiful.

her eyes were grey, not a dull, unremarkable grey like that of concrete or stone. they were the grey of the last ashes on a fire, tossed up on the breeze; the grey of a pigeon's wing, soft as down; the grey of the ocean an instant before dawn's first rays strike the water.

her skin was as soft as silk, ragged from the scars though.

she was dangerously thin, and she always blamed it on her being naturally thin. i never believed her of course, she was starving herself because she thought it was what she deserved.

nobody had taught her what true love was; i couldnt do that either.

consumed in thinking about her, i failed to realise i was being approached.

it was my sister, gemma.

"i figured id find you here" she snapped at me. our relationship had become so hateful since our mother died. "myla left you a letter"

she handed me an envelope which was already torn open, id figured gemma had invaded my privacy. "why did you read it?" i challenged, not even looking at her.

"because you're going to hurt that girl, i know you are" gemma told me. she had no idea what she was talking about. "i know what you're doing harry. and if you dont stop, youre going to end up right next to where mom is right now" she spat at me.

this made the anger inside me reach boiling point, i stood up, squaring up to my very own sister. "do not fucking talk about her like that" i yelled.

she stumbled back from my outburst, she was being cruel.

"if you truly care about myla, you wont do what the letter is telling you" she almost whispered, tears brimming her glistening blue eyes.

gemma walked away after that, and id sat back down in my original spot. placing a hand on my mothers engravings.

i pulled out the letter and scanned over the words.

the realisation of what it meant hit me like a deer in the headlights. if i didnt run, id surely be late.

➸ ➸ ➸

faster. move. i have to get there, i just have to. wait, please wait.

i raced like the wind towards myla's house. faster than ive ever ran for anyone before. my life depended on it.

please god, if you're really up there...

i clambered up the hill, nearing her house, just in time to see a cab turn down the street. myla was in the back, but she was not looking for me.

please god...

"wait, myla. please! its me, wait" i tried screaming, my efforts were futile.

the car was several meters ahead of me, but i wasnt going to give up. the drivers eyes met mine through the mirror and he accelerated, not fast enough for myla to notice, but enough to get away from me.

"myla..." i speeded after the car. my lungs were about to implod and every muscle in my body was on fire. but id have followed that car to hell if i had to. if i could've.

please, please god....

i tripped over my own feet and hit the ground face first. dazed, i looked up, the car was almost out of sight. i gripped mylas letter to my chest, lying on the ground.

"i love you..." i breathed.

but the car was gone. and so was my hope.

why did you leave me, myla?

now

entry 15;

dear diary,

i still dont know why he didnt come. maybe i was too little for him and too much all at the same time.

but one thing is for sure, he must've realised he deserves better than me.

and so im saying goodbye to this diary for now. im going to the airport and im going to new york to start fresh.

diary, this isnt the last youll hear from me. ill be back, but hopefully when im back ill be a new, healthier and happier myla.

until next time.