entry 365 ➸ harry styles

XXV

a/n: we're edging the end of this! two more chapters left, i think. i have the last chapter already written,  i have done from the very start. all these chapters have built up to the very last one - and im more than thrilled its nearly over.

{ civilian - wye oak }

entry 300;

dear diary,

i dont think i regret any decision that has gotten me to where i am today; i lost who i truly was this year, ive lost all my morals and they have been replaced with evil. but thats okay, its a feeling i enjoy to be encountering.

i no longer feel sadness, i dont really feel anything. no happiness, no pain and maybe i am scared that ill stop feeling love soon enough. harry thinks im breaking again; naive little soul.

do not confuse an evil person for a broken person. a broken person can fixed, evil cannot. i will cause pain and harm to others deliberately, one day ill cause enough chaos the world will fall at my feet. a broken person would not consider doing anything like that; they know how it feels to be on the receiving end of evil.

so harry, dont confuse someone who can be saved from someone who you're not safe with.

we've moved on from new york; we are currently situated in vermont, laying low. harry still hasnt found the gun arlo gave me, he hasnt even cottoned on to the fact that im losing my mind right in front of his eyes. he cant see that my touch has gone cold, my eyes are harsh, my love for him is a dying out flame, and thats all because of the distrust arlo has made me have in him.

part of me thought i was stupid for even considering what arlo had said was true; if harry didnt love me, he wouldnt have ventured this far just to be with me, he'd have moved on a long time ago. but on the other hand, maybe he hates me so much he isnt going to let me leave alive.

im not sure where im headed, or what is to become of me. because im a loose cannon, im just waiting for the ball to be fired.

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entry 330;

dear diary,

im becoming colder by the minute. harry isnt so oblivious to it anymore either; we're running out of time. im running out of time. im turing into a coldblooded, death orientated woman.

harry has gone MIA for the most part, i rarely see him anymore. he leaves around 3am and im lucky if he even comes back; i dont care though, for all i care he could be inside another woman. feeling the warmth and love i can no longer give him. the more i think about it, the more my soul was twisting inside me. my demon is jealous; ill never let it show.

i very rarely hear from arlo too, the only reason i know hes around is because he told me he will be, until harry tries to kill me that is. and my brother never says something he doesnt mean.

i think the next time ill be checking in is in another 30 days, im keeping my dark thoughts away for the meantime. im not sure who i want to kill; im not sure why i want to do it either, harry, arlo. even alex. none of them are safe around me.

not anymore.

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i spent the next 33 days hiding in the shadows of my own mind, i only came out when it was needed. when i needed to eat, drink, the simple necessities a person with a beating heart needed.