Faltering Steps • J-Hope

xx.

Sehun left Hobi's room and walked back towards the door, but Yoongi was leaning against the wall, watching him.

"Well?" Yoongi paused upon seeing the red mark on Sehun's face. "He hit you?"

"No, Taehyung did," Sehun said, looking at Yoongi warily. "Are you going to hit me?"

"You deserve it."

"I didn't say I was going to stop you."

Yoongi stared at Sehun. "Why are you doing this? It's for yourself, right? So you don't have to think about it anymore?"

Sehun scowled but paused as he opened his mouth. "You know what? Maybe it is. Maybe I want to be able to sleep at night without waking up feeling like I'm going to throw up because I feel so damn guilty about the whole thing. Is that so wrong?"

Yoongi shrugged. "Who am I to judge you? Oh, right, I'm part of Hobi's family. Do you think just saying sorry is going to cut it? Is that it? You say you made a little mistake and then you're on your way to conquer the billboards?"

Sehun threw his hands up. "What am I supposed to do?! Get hit by a car?!"

Yoongi nodded. "If you wouldn't mind."

"That's crazy!" Sehun said. "How would that solve anything?"

"Because it would make things fair," Yoongi said, serious. "An eye for an eye. That kind of a thing."

"Fair? That's what this is about?" Sehun asked, frowning. "Nothing's fair. Life is unfair by nature. You think I meant to hit your car? You think I meant to hurt Hoseok? It was an accident! Because life's like that! Nothing's fair in the real world!"

"If it were fair, Hobi never would have been hurt," Yoongi mumbled. "How am I supposed to justify that? If anyone deserved to be hurt, it's me for being selfish and self-centered instead of always focusing on the group. It should have been any of us, really, just not Hobi, who's always working hard to not only perform his best but also help all of us learn the choreography and get it right. He's always cheering us up, making us smile, making us laugh, making this whole crazy life of schedules and diets and practices worth it. I don't think I could hang in if it wasn't for Hobi. I just...I get so overwhelmed by it all, and I can't handle it sometimes...but Hobi's always there to help me stand and I'm scared of losing him."

Yoongi was in a daze, staring at the ground, and Namjoon quickly stood up and let Sehun out. "We'll talk later," he said before shutting the door and turning to Yoongi. "Is that how you feel? You've been holding it in the whole time?"

"Yeah," Yoongi said quietly.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I'm just being selfish again. I say that I'm worried about Hobi, but I'm really just worried about myself, aren't I? That I won't be able to survive this lifestyle without Hobi lightening everything up. Because if he decides to quit or if BigHit fires him-"

"Neither of those will happen, Yoongi."

"But if one of them does happen, I'd be lost. I don't think I can do this without Hobi." Yoongi realized that his eyes were growing wet, and he turned to face the wall, leaning his forehead against it so the other members couldn't see his tears. "I hate myself," he mumbled. "Why am I always only looking out for myself? Why can't I be better? Why?"

The door at the end of the hallway had opened part of the way through his words, and there was the sound of slow footsteps approaching. Then a pair of arms wrapped around Yoongi from behind him. "Yoongi, you're allowed to worry about yourself," Hobi said, his eyes red from having sobbed into Jimin's shirt. "In fact, you're supposed to. I worry about you all the time. And you say that you're being self-centered but that's complete shit. You've been helping me every step of the way, from when I first got surgery to when I fell on my leg to when I had to go back to my doctor and find out the bad news."

Hobi paused before turning Yoongi around so he could look the older in the eyes. "You said that you couldn't handle everything without me, but I couldn't do any of this without you. When I found out I couldn't dance, I thought, This is it for me. I'm done. No more BTS. No more living with my brothers. They'll pack my bags and send me back. And even if BigHit didn't, I thought about packing my own bag because I felt useless. But you're the one who reassured me, who kept giving me reminders of what I'd miss if I left. So if you need to use me to survive, then that's fine as long as you let me keep depending on you."

Yoongi pushed Hobi away weakly, rubbing his eyes and pretending like it had never happened. "Shut up. Stop saying stuff like that." He put a hand in front of his mouth. "You don't need to say it cause I already know, okay? So keep your mouth closed before any more gross stuff comes out."

Hobi smiled and patted Yoongi on the head, who ducked and swatted at his arm.

"So..." Namjoon mused. "Taehyung punched Sehun?"

"Isn't Sehun kind of like Taehyung's uncle if Baekhyun is Taehyung's supposed father?" Jin asked.

"He's not my uncle!" Taehyung yelled, coming out of his room.

"Well, then, you shouldn't hit strangers," Namjoon amended. "In fact, there's a penalty for that. You have to sleep in Yoongi's room for a week."

"Then he's my uncle."

we're nearing the end...

q&a will be released after last chapter but it's still open in the meantime

are there any scenes you need to see before the completion of this book?

please comment here or forever hold your peace