Talks With My NightOwl (BoyxBoy)

Little Bird

I sat in the shower with the water pouring down on me, it was ice cold but I needed it to wake myself up the odd thing was I didn't even feel cold, my skin didn't prickle and I didn't shiver, it was as if my body had became numb to everything, I heard the bathroom door open and looked up to see my mother.

She looked sad, her usual chipper smile was no where to be found and her eyes shone nothing but pain, I looked her up and down to see that her hair was pulled in a neat bun, and she was a pink lace dress, that hung just below her knees and the sleeves stopped at her wrist she was wearing silver jewelry to go with her dress, silver heels and a diamond cluth, I looked up at her face to see she had a forced smile on her face.

She slowly made her way over to me and stooped down so she was some what at my eye level "Eleni darling, do you remember a few months ago I told you that your aunt Mari was getting married again and she wanted us to come?" she asked in a gentle tone as if I would break if she spoke a little loud, I should have felt hurt that she thought me so fragile but nothing came so I just stared at her blankly and she nodded "well I told her the rest of you couldn't make it but I would be there for her, so I need to go but I'll be back before it gets dark, your father is running a few errands and will be back in time to make you something to eat, but everyone else isn't home so you'll be on your own for a bit, okay." 

She went quiet and looked as if she really wanted an answer so I simply nodded, she smiled at me and I watched as she leaned forward but then moved back and stood up quickly going out the bathroom and pulling the door in behind her, she wanted to kiss me, I knew it because before I had left for London she would always kiss me every time she or I had to go out the house, but now I wouldn't let anyone come near me, if they did my body would go into panic on it's own and I would find myself screaming until I passed out.

It wasn't as if I wanted to react like that, I wanted to be able to hug and kiss my mother every time I got to hug my dad or allow my sister to pull me into a back breaking hug as she laid kiss after kiss on my face, but after everything that happened sometimes I couldn't even stand it when I touched myself, it was crazy and maybe the stupidest thing but I would flinch when I had to run my hands on my skin for some reason but I pushed forward and fought to get over that because if I couldn't get through that, no one would ever be able to touch me again and I would be alone.

I sighed to myself, it wouldn't really matter because I didn't really feel anything when it came to the prospects of spending the rest of my life alone, I shook my head and stood up switching off the tap and walking out the bathroom, I grabbed up my towel and dried my skin quickly, I moved to my closet and pulled out a giant sweater that my brother had bought for me, I pulled it over my head and when I was finished it had stopped in the middle of my thighs, I had contemplated putting on some pants but settled for just a pair of boxers and a pair of socks.

When I was finished I went over to my desk that had a tray on it, I uncovered it to see toast, scrambled eggs and a glass of juice, I sat down and ate quietly and when I was finished moved to my window and looked out at the sky, I looked back into my room, my eyes landing on the calendar, for the past few days I had spent a lot of time in the bathroom so I had lost track of time in fact I had probably lost track after...

I shook my head and tried my best not to think about it, I focused on something else, a bird flew across the sky and decided to land on my window still, I looked at it and it looked at me, it's little head tilted to the side, it chirped and then eased itself down staring out the window at the sky, it was a strange bird, it wasn't frightened by me even when I shifted and pulled my feet up on the ledge so it was against my chest, it just looked at me and then looked back at the sky, I followed it's movement and we stared out at the sky together.

---

I had no idea when I had fallen asleep but found myself jumping up when someone knocked on the door, I looked to see the bird was gone, it had probably left sometime after I fell asleep, I heard the knock again and slowly looked out the window, to see a car parked in front of our yard, it was sleek and stylish, it looked really expensive, so I leaned out a bit more and was able to look where the door was, a man with dark hair and a face I couldn't see stood at our door knocking on it, I found myself pulling back inside and running to my bathroom, I climbed in the tub laid down and pulled a blanket over myself.

I laid there with my eyes closed it felt like forever before the person left, I could hear their car pulling away and then racing down the street, I sighed in relief and then uncovered myself, I moved back to my room only to jump back and nearly fall to the ground barely catching myself on the wall, my father seemed a bit startled but said nothing as he placed a tray down on my desk and moved the other one with my dishes from breakfast.

He begun to walk to the door but stopped in his tracks and just stared at me for a bit, I stared back at him from the door frame that I was still holding on to, he opened his mouth to say something but shook his head and quickly shut his lip practically running out the room, I stood there for a minute waiting to feel my heart ache from the pained look my father had on his face but nothing came, I sighed and let go of the door frame.

 I walked over to my bedroom door and shut it before going to the desk where my lunch waited on me, I raised the tray to see a plate of beef stew with a bun on the side along with a spoon, next to it a glass of juice, I pulled my chair and sat down to eat, I couldn't finish the whole bowl, so I just covered it and moved back to my window, I sat down and looked out at the street that cars started to come down, kids running up and down, adults sitting out in their yards talking to each other.

Everything looked so beautiful, I remembered that on afternoons like this I would be downstairs talking to my dad or making something with my mom, or if I felt like it me and my friends would meet up and go somewhere nice, the beach, the cafe, a nice club or even get together and chill at a friends house.

Sometimes I would even lock myself away in my studio practicing until my ankles were sore. I sighed reaching down and gripped my ankle massaging it, I missed dancing I missed training I missed being around people who shared the same dream as me, people who worked to make their dreams come true.

But every time I thought about it, trying to bring in my good memories, the first time I danced the friends a made, the trips I took, all of it would be clouded over by...

I flinched and found myself standing up, I gasped and tried to suck in a few breaths as my heart raced, I went to the bathroom and washed my face, but the images and the noise and the voices just kept swirling in my head so once again I was bent over the toilet emptying my guts, I dry gagged a few times after my stomach had been cleared out.

I still felt dirty so I stripped my clothes, locked the bathroom door and went to the shower, I turned on all the taps and found myself sitting int the shower with my arms wrapped around my legs, I squeezed my eyes shut and and sucked my lip into my mouth.

My skin was crawling and I felt as if I had been sucked back into that room, with them smiling and jeering at me and doing all those things to me, my body in pain being twisted into positions even a dancer like me couldn't pull off naturally.

I gagged again and shut my eyes willing all of it out of my head.