Fix Me // Jamilton

Chapter 24: Meds and Maria

- ALEXANDERS POV -
Today's the day. Thomas found out I had started cutting again, so in less than half an hour, we'll be back in Doctor Soo's office, just like a few years ago.

It had been 2 years since I had seen my therapist. I wonder if she'll recognize me.

"Babe, we gotta go!" Thomas calls from the doorway. We live further away from the office now, so we have to drive. I grab Philip up out of his play area in the corner of the living room, and take him outside to the waiting car. I strap him in his car seat and make sure he's all settled before climbing in the drivers seat. Thomas tosses me the keys and I kiss him on the cheek when he gets in the car.

The drive is about 15 minutes and when we arrive there, Dr. Soo is already waiting by the front desk. She gasps when she sees us.

"Alex! Thomas! You guys look great! And who's this little guy!" She asks, embracing us and beaming. I know it isn't an act; we saw Phillipa Soo for many years before I got "better". Now here we are, all over again. I liked Dr. Soo, don't get me wrong, but just being here again made me more anxious than I enjoyed.

"This is Philip. Our son." Thomas says, smiling just as bright. I have a small grin on my face. Forced, but it's there.

"Alex, it's been a while since I've seen you, but I still know that smile is fake. Let's go to the back room, ok?" She asks. I follow her, holding Thomas's hand tight. God, I have memories here. Good and bad.

We walk into the never changing room and sit in the seats we always have, the only change being Philip on my lap. We decided I would hold him during therapy so I could calm down. I found that running my fingers through his curly hair calms me down.

"So, Alex. I would say it's good to see you, but under circumstances where you have to be seen in a therapist room, I can't say it's a good thing." She smiles at me sadly as she says this, and I start pulling very gently on a few of Pips curls, so they tighten, then spring back up. Dr. Soo asks me if I can tell her what's going on. I quietly respond with,

"A few weeks after Philips birth, I felt so sad. It wasn't like fatherly postpartum depression, because I didn't regret our choice for having a baby and I was ok with the path we chose. I just... I felt alone. I suddenly just didn't want to live anymore, even though I had so many people to do so for. So I cut. It was my only escape. I did it... twice a day maybe? Usually when I went to the bathroom I would cut after." Thomas's hand is shaking a little by the end of it. I can tell he's upset that I didn't tell him anything. Not mad, just disappointed. But that's what I do.

Disappoint everyone.

Maybe I should just die. It would be so much easier. Philip... I love him, and if any harm or sadness came to him I would die. But he doesn't deserve such a terrible father like me. Thomas, I love him too, more than anything in this shitty world, but he doesn't need me to be a burden anymore. It would be so easy...

I'm snapped out of my thoughts and planning when Dr. Soo touches my shoulder. I flinch and look up at her. Her eyes are fearful.

"Alexander, did you really mean all that?" In confused. Then I see Thomas crying a little. Shit. I said my whole suicide speech out loud. I kiss Thomas's hand and he flinches just as I did. I look at him apologetically, then he squeezes me tight into a hug. I nod into his shoulder and cry a little, for the second time in 2 days. Great.

"Alexander, your medication is going to have to be upped to a higher dosage and you'll have to start coming back once a week on Thursdays at 4, alright? And Thomas, can I speak to you in the hall for a moment?" I understand everything about the meds and meetings, but I'm confused on why Thomas has to go in the hallway. I'm even more discombobulated when he agrees and walks out with her. Well, at least I'm not alone, since I'm with Philip. Oddly, this doesn't happen a lot, just me and my son. I kiss his cheek and he giggles. I smile as tears blur my vision.