Fix Me // Jamilton

Chapter 15: Silence and Sweethearts

- ALEXANDERS POV -
I don't even register what happened after Eliza's heart stopped. I felt so numb. I heard myself scream and saw doctors running in with something to restart her heart. A nurse shoved us all out of the room where we're met with very out of breath John and Herc.

"It's too late." I hear Peggy sob. John hugs her and kisses the top of her head. Maria is in Angelica's arms, and Herc is hugging Thomas. Vaguely I notice Lafayette come near me. I think he hugs me, but I don't really feel it. I hear yelling from the inside of Eliza's room. The same nurse that punches us away comes back with the smallest smile on her face.

"She's alive and stable. Nobody can see her for a few days while she recovers and builds up her immunities a little bit. But she'll be ok." We pause our crying for a second to start screaming of happiness. Then we cry again, because Eliza would be ok! God, I don't know what I would have done without her.

Everyone leaves the hospital as there's no point in staying: we aren't allowed in Eliza's room for 3 more days. Nobody wants to be alone, so we stay at Angie and Eliza's dorm. It's weird not having her here. We sit together and tell stories about all the things we've done with her.

"Remember the time, Alex, John, Laf and I got drunk in 11th grade, and Eliza drove us home and made us do all her laundry the next 2 weeks because all of us threw up all over her car and house?" Herc said, and we all laugh and nod. That night was crazy. We had fake ID's and everything. Eliza was pissed that we snuck out to drink, and she made sure we knew it.

"Or that time right before finals senior year, she brought us all snacks and juice like a, how you say, ah! Soccer mom!" Laf says, and the laughing starts again.

"Betsey really is a true soccer mom. Just you wait." Angelica says, wiping tears from laughter and sadness out of her eyes. We get in a group hug on the floor for what seems like the hundredth time. Every time somebody starts to cry, we do a group hug. There have been many a group hug because of me. I haven't said a word since before Eliza's heat stopped. I can tell everyone's worried. I want to speak, but the words just... don't come out. I can't bring myself to. Everyone but Thomas and I have decided to ditch school tomorrow. Thomas and I were ready "off" so we didn't even participate in that conversation.

I have therapy tomorrow. I'm anxious about it. What if I still can't speak? What if something happens again? What if I have a flashback and just break down? No, I can't afford to think like this. Thomas'll be there, it's going to be ok. I hope.

"Alex, are you alright?" Maria asks for the fifth time. I shake my head no and smile sadly.

"Can you speak?" She sounds confused, and looks it even more when I shake my head no again. She nods and tells me to hold on. She reappears a few seconds later with a pen and paper.

"Do you know why you can't speak?" She asks, and I write:

I think. When my dad left, my brother disappeared, my mother died, and my cousin killed himself, I just lost the ability to talk for a while. It might be because of traumatic experiences.

I set the pen down to signalize that I'm finished writing. Maria reads it and hugs me. It seemed like everyone was hugging me out of pity. I sort of liked the hugs though. It made me feel like I actually was wanted. I imagine what would happen if it was me instead of Eliza tonight, after another suicide attempt. I didn't notice Maria talking until she tapped on my shoulder.

"I heard you have to go to therapy tomorrow afternoon. Will you be okay?" I pick up the pen again.

Yeah, I should be. Thomas will be there the whole time, and it's only the first session. Don't worry, Maria.