"Diary" of an Autistic

Introduction and tribute to my Dad

Hi. I am Jas and this is my "diary" in a way, but it's not that kind of diary. I'm not secretly a princess who's heir to the throne of Agonna*, nor am I "wimpy", nor am I a whale's dong.

*Agonna: A country my dad and his friends made up for Dungeons & Dragons.

I used to be a bully and I used to be bullied, and sometimes, people still bully me, not that I care. I actually pity them, to be honest. I have an orange tabby cat named Eddie, a younger sister with classic autism, and a big suckerfish named Mackey. I am a fangirl of many things, as well as a gamer of both tabletop games and video games. I recently started playing Kingdom Hearts and I'm loving every minute of it. I actually just got done with my first photoshoot. My mom arranged it because she wanted to remember what I looked like right on the brink of adulthood. I really appreciate it, especially considering our financial situation right now, but Mom's tribute is for another day. Today, I'd like to tell you about my dad.

Warning: I am about to spill some very personal shit to you, and this is as personal as I will ever get in this book, some of you may get triggered and this is very angsty at times, so turn back while you can if you don't want to read this part. This is your last chance and final warning.

I've been having a rough time for the past couple of years because my dad is gonna die of cancer soon, but it is very nervewracking because he could drop dead at any time, and the doctors don't have a set date for his upcoming death, so I'm really worried that any day could be my last day spent with him.

My dad is an incredible person. He doesn't hate anyone because hate will only waste his precious time. Sure, my dad hates the actions of certain people but he doesn't hate them. That's astounding, with what's going on in this day and age and what went on while he was growing up, it's incredible how he never gave in to hate after all these years and still manages to do so, but what do you expect from someone so kind and pure? There must be enough love in the heart of my dad to make the universe explode because it won't all fit inside the cosmos.

My dad tries really hard to be non-biased and flexible, and the two of us have zero tolerance for prejudice. My dad was alive during the 1950's-60's and he and his family fought for civil rights during The Civil Rights Movement. My dad is calm and collected and he never gets violent and rarely raises his voice, but if he does raise his voice, that means he's really angry and it takes a lot to get him angry, which is something you don't want to see.

My dad is really smart and knows a lot about history and could be a very good history teacher if he tried. He's also the best dad I know. He raised me right because he raised me to be who I am today, he protects me, but isn't overprotective nor does he coddle me excessively, and he allows me to stand on my own without any help, but if I can't do it on my own, he's there to help and support me and give me a shoulder to lean on.

Dad and I have a very special bond. It's hard to describe, but I feel a very strong pull towards him, and the two of us are thick as thieves, everything I am is because of him. We were always close because I'm his little angel and his pride and joy, and he's my original best friend and my original hero. LukasAppleMlp is also my best friend and my hero, but dad is my original best friend and hero because I've known him longer, and oddly enough, he shares that bond with me and my dad too. The three of us are like the BTT in a way, but not flirty like them. That'd be weird.

Dad and I are a lot like Maurice and Belle from the new Beauty and the Beast as well as Fa Zhou and Mulan from Mulan. My dad is a bit old fashioned because he's a different generation sometimes he uses outdated and offensive terms without realizing that they're outdated and offensive and he has to be corrected, but he's willing to learn, so that's good, he doesn't like to use computers, but that's fine by me. At times though, we can be a bit like King Triton and Ariel, we have our disagreements and sometimes he does coddle me too much, but we always make up. (It's a good thing he isn't prejudiced like King Triton used to be.)

Dad isn't perfect though, he used to have serious drug abuse problems around the time my mom got depression, and a drugged up father and a depressed mother are not a good combination, though I'm not here to talk about my dad's flaws. That's for another day.

This is my life story from elementary school till now: Dad does drugs and neglects his kids, Mom gets depression, Jasmine tries to ask her mom about what's going on and whether she's alright or not repeatedly with what little communication skills she has, mom lies that everything's fine and that she's fine to Jasmine repeatedly, Jasmine tries to make people feel what her mom is feeling in hopes that she'll get answers to mom's unhappiness, Jasmine doesn't realize that she is being a bully, Mom files for divorce, Dad gets broken heart syndrome, New boy comes to school and bullies Jasmine which gives her a wake-up call, divorce happens, Dad's broken-heart syndrome worsens, Mom's depression worsens, Jasmine goes to middle school and starts changing, Jasmine becomes suicidal and ends up blaming mom's dishonesty for everything, Mom and Jasmine fight frequently because of this, Dad gets prostate cancer, Jasmine and dad become closer, Dad's prostate gets removed too late and the prostate cancer turns into small-cell cancer, Mom gets remarried, Jasmine and Dad become even closer, Jasmine goes to high school and the teachers and students make her want to commit suicide even more, Dad's cancer wins, and now Jasmine is more suicidal than ever, so she is sent to therapy where she found a friend in her therapist and her and her dad are now joint at the hip.

Though, it could be worse than this. I know so many less lucky than I am, so I try not to complain. Sometimes I can't help it though. I'm lucky because have support. Some people who are in a situation like mine have no support. I'm also lucky enough to have friends here on wattpad, That's one of the reasons why I keep living, so I can stay with my friends. Every time I lose someone close to me, friend, family, or even a pet, my grip on life becomes weaker, and death's pull becomes stronger. Dad is why I grip life so strongly, he is my closest friend and the best father I could ask for, everything I am is because of him, so when he dies, my grip on life will become weaker than ever. However, I will still hold on, I just won't be able to hold on as tightly, but there are two other things that cause me to grip life as tightly as I can. My best friend, Lukas, and my dream. What is this dream? To make the world a better place.

That's why I want to become a writer, so I can change the world for the better through either storytelling or research or whatever, I don't care what I write as long as it will help create a better world for all of us. Dad supports this dream with all his heart and even writes alongside me, and he normally doesn't like writing. Dad has always been supportive of my dreams. When I was little, I wanted to be a seamstress, so he and mom taught me how to sew. Now I know that I want to be a writer, he insisted on helping to me buy a phone and an iPad so as to help me write, even though he is very poor. Unfortunately, my sister broke both, so he helped me buy another iPad and another phone. He really didn't have to, he could have used that money to help him pay the bills, but he spent it on me to help me achieve my dreams instead.

My dad has always been honest with me right from the start. As soon as I started asking about how babies were made, he gave me an honest answer. He didn't tell me that a stork brought me to them, he told me about love-making and how the reproductive system works. Something that has helped me a lot in this day and age.

Despite dad's problems with drugs, it is likely that you will never meet someone as pure as he is. I swear he is the reincarnation of Gandhi.

As I've said before, everything I am is because of my dad, and losing him is going to be the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but all I can do is just let the nurses take care of him so he isn't in pain when he dies.

I only wish I could do more to take care of him.

In all honesty, I wouldn't trade my autism for anything, it makes me who I am, but if I could give up my autism in exchange for my father's health, then I would. I would do anything to cure his cancer, even give up a part of who I am.

As much as I love my autism, I love my dad more.

Anyways, enough about me, tell me about yourself in the comments below: do you have this kind of relationship with anyone, and if so, whom? A friend? A family member? A partner? A pet? Tell me more!