"Diary" of an Autistic

Oh god, school is tomorrow and I do not wanna go back

Why? Because of the people at my school.

For starters, some of the teachers at my school are not understanding of my current situation, and no matter how much help I get during the school year, it's all in vain. Honestly, they could at least try to be more considerate towards me and my family, they could at least try to be empathetic and understanding. They never put themselves in my shoes. They don't understand why I'm so stressed, they've been made aware that my dad is gonna die, but they really don't get it, it just goes in one ear and out the other.

They don't know how much he truly means to me and how hard it's been when they place expectations on me that are too high for me to meet in my current state, when they tell me to "suck it up, you pussy" when I'm crying in class for various reasons, when they tell me "you don't have a say" when I ask for a say on something that should be small and unimportant. They refuse to give me a break when I need it the most (the rules say I can see my case manager and take breaks as needed, but they misinterpret those rules a lot, and don't allow me breaks unless I'm "disrupting" the class, even though the rules say I'm allowed to take breaks as needed, and I need a lot of breaks these days), and I need to talk about my current situation sometimes, but I can't always go see my case manager or counselor, so I need to talk to whoever is available, but they never listen to me, even though I listen to them.

Also, the teachers aren't very nurturing, they're like soldiers, but kids who are in situations like the one I'm in need nurturing, not military force. They always get mad at me for slacking off, but I only slack off because I am stressed and need to slow down so I don't stress myself out more or overwork myself, otherwise, I will explode from pent-up stress and grief and anger and I'll totally snap. I'm not doing it on purpose, and if I am, it's because my classmates and I are being treated unfairly. That's the only time I slack off on purpose. During a time like this, I need more time to get the assignments done due to all the stress and pain that's going on, and that means some stuff might be overdue, but it's not like I'm never gonna get it done. I do get my work done, I just need to work at my pace due to my current situation, but the teachers want me to go at their pace and going at their pace is like running a race and losing because you're too slow to keep up with the other racers, but when I try telling them that, they don't listen. On some days, I need more time, namely on very stressful days, but geez do they get mad about that.

And the students, ugh, they're so rude and immature and unkind that they could be mistaken for walking douchebags, and those that appear nice and end up befriending you turn out to be the most dangerous people in the school that you don't want as your friends due to the high levels of toxin they omit. I don't wanna delve into the details, but you can probably guess that I was in an extremely toxic friendship with people that appeared friendly and won my affections, then turned out to be abusive friends. As soon as I recognized that this relationship was unhealthy, I dumped their butts.

And don't get me started on the drugged-up fuckboys. These boys are trying to get into everyone's pants, and they can be sweet and nice one day and they act like they care and make small-talk with me, but then the next day, they shout at me and are total jerks who make fun of my beliefs. They were all nice to me yesterday, why such douches today? Here's an idea, how about letting me believe what I want to believe and respecting my beliefs? After all, I let you believe what you want to believe and I respect says beliefs. Please don't diss other people's beliefs, just agree to disagree and move on. It's easy enough, but these boys make it out to be hard.

Oh god, what do I do? Ugh! I don't wanna have to deal with this all over again!

Well, at least it's not all bad. Not all the teachers are unsympathetic and military-like. Some teachers are pretty neutral, not unsympathetic, but not sympathetic either. The rest of the teachers are pretty much angels. Here's the statistics:

33.333...% of the teachers are unsympathetic, military teachers 33.333...% of the teachers are neutral teachers, and 33.333...% of the teachers are angel teachers.

It's a similar situation with the students. 33.333...% are douchebags, 33.333...% are also douchebags but these douches have a hidden heart of gold that only shows up when they are concerned for someone, and the remaining 33.333...% are genuinely nice people, but out of the 33.333... percentage of genuinely nice people in the school, only 8 out of every 32 students in this grouping are regular Schuyler Sisters. The remaining 24 either put on a douchey persona to fit in, even though it's not the real them, or I haven't found them yet. Maybe I'm like England, who can see all sorts of magical creatures, but can't see his own son, Canada. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough. Maybe I'm a douche myself and everyone at my school is nice and I just don't know it and I'm mistaken about everything I just typed about the people at my school.

Though, even the percentage of teachers that are mean can actually be nice at times. It takes some effort to bring out that side of them though and sometimes they are only nice if I can meet their expectations and go at their pace and such, but every time I fail to do so, I'm just dirt on the bottom of their shoe in their eyes.

Even the percentage of mean students can be nice, but it takes some effort to get them to be nice just to be nice. I wonder if sometimes they are only nice purely because it benefits them? It'd be wrong to assume, so I won't, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case, but like I said, not gonna assume.

Just a quick question: which song do you think you'd be when it comes to love?

Helpless or Satisfied?