"Diary" of an Autistic

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa...

I remember mom telling me you were fictional when I was old enough to know and starting to figure it out. I don't know or care whether you're real or fictional. I need your Christmas magic. I lost my dad to cancer and I thought I'd be able to bounce back like I always do, but I can't. I might as well have lost the battle to Scar, I might as well have failed to become queen of pride rock, at least for today anyways. How long will this hurt last? Will it go away? If it doesn't ever go away, how will I ever defeat my Scars and take my place as the rightful queen of pride rock? I need your help. I want him back. I want my Dad back. That's my Christmas wish. Please give me my dad back, at least one more night with him would lift my spirits so much.

I couldn't even enjoy the final moments of Christmas Eve with my family, everything was fine until I realized I broke not one, but two promises. I forgot to include my sister when I was playing with my cousins (she normally likes her solitude and didn't come out today, but I forgot to offer to include her and I only visited her once), and I forgot to get the WiFi password for my online friends because things were so hectic and I forgot to do so. I got really sad as a result, and I yelled at my parents for minimizing the problem. I know it was a small problem, but they didn't need to make it seem 10 times smaller than it was when at the time, it seemed very big for a little problem. I didn't feel heard even though they were trying to hear me.

I feel trapped, I want my parents to hear me, and they want to hear me, but I'm locked in a soundproof room and they can't find the key. I feel bad for yelling, too. Ever since Dad died, I thought I was ok, even happy sometimes, but it turns out I lost my heart and I can't find it anywhere, and I lost my happiness and Christmas spirit with it. Then again, if I had truly lost my heart, I wouldn't be able to love anymore, so it must be somewhere out there, waiting for me to find it. However, any happiness I feel is a lie, and even if I feel a glimmer of real happiness, it gets destroyed before I can detect it.

I want to be happy again. No, I need to be happy again. If I can't be happy, then I can't keep my final promise to Dad. I promised him that I'd defeat Scar and become the rightful queen of pride rock, but how can I do that if I'm not happy? I need happiness so I can have the strength to go on, to defeat Scar, to take my rightful place on the throne. End this endless night, this nightmare, and help the sun to rise. That's what I really want, and that's why I want Dad back for one more night at the least, but the longer he can stay, the better. I just want him to tell me that everything will be ok, that this will end, not from a video screen, but in person. I hope this isn't too much to ask, but if it is, I'm sorry. I won't bother you again, but if this is too much for you, can you connect me with someone who can handle my large request?

Thank you for your time and I'm sorry if I was a bother.

Yours truly,

Jasmine

P.S. Chloe just tried to take my glass orb without asking. It has my Dad's ashes in it, but please don't put her on the naughty list. She doesn't know any better and mom will take care of her punishment. It wouldn't mean anything to her if she got coal in her stocking because mom would buy her presents no matter what, but it would mean more to her if mom took her phone away for a certain amount of time. If she tries to take my things without asking again, then mom will take away her phone for the whole day.