You know the mean teachers I'm always talking about? The ones that always pick on me?
You know how I said that they see you potentially break a rule and they immediately scold you and punish you, never bothering to ask why you're doing what you're doing, but just automatically assuming the worst? You know how I said when you start to cry because you've done nothing wrong, they start enforcing toxic masculinity on you, regardless of what your gender identity is? "Stop crying." "Stop with the tears." "Stop with the emotions." "Grow a f*cking backbone, you c*nthead." You know how I said the three that pick on me are the only ones like that? Well, they are the only ones like that at my high school.
There were teachers like that at my middle school too, they were the ones who started it all. I don't remember much about them, but I remember they also would assume the worst when they thought they saw someone breaking the rules and immediately scold and punish them, never asking for a reason for their "misbehavior" and I was often a target of this, but that wasn't the worst part about them: the worst part was that whenever I told them the full, honest, uncensored truth, they yelled at me because that version of the truth made them angry or hurt them in some way.
Sometimes they would shut me down before I could finish because they didn't want to hear it. So, I started twisting the truth to their liking so I wouldn't get yelled at, and if you're wondering if being yelled at for telling the uncensored truth was really that bad, then yes, their anger and hurt at hearing that version of the truth made me extremely suicidal. I might have even attempted suicide a few times. I don't remember. I do remember holding my Dad's decorative sword to my throat and attempting to cut off my head and kill myself before my PCA at the time took it away from me. I still twist the truth to the liking of others to this day because of the teachers at my middle school, and this didn't quit when I went into high school. Johnson, Burns, and Jane got mad at me for telling the uncensored truth too. I try my hardest not to do that to you guys because I love you all and I know you won't get mad at me for telling the full, honest, uncensored truth, even if you don't like it, but it's been very hard to get out of that mindset and I might have done this to you a few times, and I'm sorry for it.
On a brighter note, my stepdad and I made up and are going to play the Sims 4 together soon. I hope nothing like what happened ever happens again.
I have some more wise words for you from Nan and his grandma:
1: "I'd rather be told the painful truth than a burning joy lie."
2: "You can get caught in a lie like a fly in fly paper and then you're screwed."
If you want to know more about the wisdom of Nan and his grandma, go give Nan a follow at LukasAppleMlp, he's a great guy, trust me. 😄
YOU ARE READING
"Diary" of an Autistic
Non-FictionHi. I'm Jas, and in case you didn't know, I am autistic. I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm writing this book just so I can jot some of my thoughts down, and so you can see what it's really like to be autistic, well, for me at least. My best friend mad...
