Despair of the heart

Chapter 8 - Lost & Found

CHAPTER 8: LOST & FOUND

Usagi’s POV

He stayed still for a moment then opened his mouth and whispered “…my fault…it was all…m-my fault…” My eyes widened in shock. I couldn’t believe that he blamed himself; there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.

“Misaki! Listen to me there is no way that what happened was your fault. Do you understand me!” I said sternly, “Now eat.” I picked up the spoon from the bowl again; I had dropped it there when Misaki started talking.

He didn’t even seem to notice the spoon as he stared talking again “I was scared… I…I insisted that w-we take the trai-in… b-bec-cause I was s-scared… the rain was s-so h-heave… I was s-scared…” although his voice was a steady whisper, his tears were heavy as he said that. I knew he didn’t like taking the car on rainy days, but he never insisted on not taking it unless it was the same day his parents had their accident.

He was always extra cautious on that day. Last year after he returned from visiting his parents’ grave, he took my car keys and hid them when I was ignoring him and wanted to go get some of his favorite ice-cream from his favorite place on the other side of town. “…I was s-scared-d s-so I insisted…h-he kn-new… h-he always kn-new so he a-agreed…” he said after a short pause, bringing me back from my thoughts.

I didn’t want to interrupt him because I knew if he stopped now he would never tell me how he felt about all of this, and he needed me to listen, so I did. “…I w-wanted t-to get m-mom’s…” he choked on his words for a second then inhaled sharply and continued “…mom always l-loved h-her f-flowers… but her favorite were pink roses…”his eyes shone from tears, I could see longing in his eyes as he mentioned her.  He really missed her.

“…I…I w-wanted to g-get her some… s-so we s-stopped at a flower shop on our w-way to t-the…” he trailed off, then said “…he l-looked l-like h-he just w-wanted t-to get out of there… b-but I w-wanted to p-pick t-the right ones…” his voice steady again. By then I had already placed the bowl on the nightstand and was now holding his left hand, squeezing gently. His eyes still fixed on his lap.

“…t-ten m-minuets… it-t took m-me t-ten l-long minutes to pick t-them…” he squeezed on my hand a bit “we were waiting…h-he was j-joking around t-trying t-to m-make me l-laugh…” he pressed his eyes shut as he said half sobbing it“…he always made me laugh…”

I wanted to hear what he had to say but the pain on his face… I couldn’t take it so I said in a gentle voice “Misaki that’s enough…”

He shook his head and said “…we w-waited… it was s-still g-green…s-so w-we wai… a-and t-then…I…I s-saw t-the c-car s-so I p-pulled h-him away… but the k-kid… that-t k-kid…” at that point he had started shaking, his eyes wide as if it was happening in front of him right now.

“Misaki…” I called his name wanting him to understand it was already over. There was nothing to do about it anymore. It was over.

He kept going not giving me the chance to stop him “…the k-kid just stood there… he told him t-to move…b-but he j-just stood there… I –I d-don’t know why… I –I d-don’t know w-what happened… ” his breathing was getting heavier “…all I saw next was … w-was n-n-nii-chahnnn…” his sobbing got louder as he tried to continue but couldn’t. He could barley breath with all his crying.

“Misaki, Enough! That is enough…”he was suffering, I couldn’t take it anymore. I put my arms around him and pulled him closer. He was crying so hard just like when the doctor told us that Takahiro was gone. It was heartbreaking.