Despair of the heart

Chapter 26 - Scattered Memories

CHAPTER 26: SCATTERED MEMORIES

Misaki's POV

The next day finally came, but I felt that I wasn't ready just yet to do this. Going over to nii-chan's place was only to visit him; I have never gone there before for any other reason… not without him there. My heart was still aching. I don't think that I will ever be able to get over losing him.

I took my time getting out of bed, as I was in no hurry to start the day, and headed to the bathroom for a shower. Usagi-san wasn't in the room when I woke up so I guessed that he had gone into the kitchen for breakfast. I made sure not to spend a long time in the shower, not enough for my thoughts to drift into painful memories. I didn't need to cry. I have done enough of that. I was preparing myself mentally since waking up, not wanting to start crying once I was at nii-chan's place… or before.

I felt slightly better than I did a few days ago. My chest still ached, but not as bad as it had been. The pain was manageable, especially with the medication the doctors prescribed. My stomach growled as I made my way down the steps to the lower level and into the kitchen where Usagi-san stood, with his back to me.

"Good morning." My voice was sleepy even though I had been up for about half an hour now. Maybe it was just the fact that I wanted to sneak back into bed and stay there to not face the day. I still didn't feel comfortable with going to nii-chan's place and packing his things. I still didn't feel right about it.

"Mornin', Misaki. How are you feeling?" he asked once he turned around and handed me a mug of steaming hot coffee that I took gratefully.

"Better," I admitted before following him to the dining table where it was set with different dishes. I stared at it in awe before turning to him.

Before I got the chance to ask about it he said "Yes, I cooked it…" He was about to start bragging about it before I gave him a look from the corner of my eyes. Instead, he went with "Well, heated it… It counts as cooking it," he started to defend. I wanted to smile at him. I felt happy that he was trying to cheer me up by going through the day like it was any other day. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to smile. I couldn't think of being happy when my brother wasn't in the same world anymore. And my thoughts always seemed to come back to that.

Sighing, I dropped my head in defeat, giving up on getting rid of those thoughts. I felt a strong comforting hand dropping over my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. My eyes drifted upward to look at Usagi-san's face. He was frowning as he asked "You sure you are ok?"

I really did want to smile, to stop him from worrying over me. I had worried him enough. But it was still hard to smile, so I merely nodded before moving to take my seat at the table.

We started eating in complete silence: nothing but the sounds of plates clanking and the occasional sipping of coffee until Usagi-san asked "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I titled my head to look at him. I thought about it for a second. It was going to be hard. It was already hard, but it had to be done and I wasn't going to be so cruel as to let Manami-nee-san do this by herself. "N-not really, but… I have to…"

"You don't have to, Misaki. If it is to help Manami-san, then I could send someone to help her out. You don't need to-…"

"I have to, Usagi-san," I repeated. "She has been through enough. If I could help… even in the slightest, then I will. I can't keep burdening everyone, and this is something I have to do, not only for Manami-nee-san, but also for… nii-chan." I looked away from him as I finished talking, going back to my meal, only this time not eating, but merely poking the food around.