Despair of the heart

Chapter 1 - Loss

CHAPTER 1:  LOSS

Misaki POV

It hurts…. Nii-chan it hurts…

Two days ago

Today is the anniversary of my parents’ death, and like every year since then, nii-chan and I are heading to the cemetery to visit their graves.

I had spoken to Nii-chan earlier and we decided that he would come over to Usagi-san’s place and then we would head to the cemetery together. He was at the door to pick me up and it was raining that day, so I insisted on taking the train. I didn’t really want us to take the car in this weather, especially on this day. Nii-chan understood, he always did, so we left Usagi-san’s place and headed for the train station. It was around 2:00 pm and yet it was so dark outside. Heavy dark clouds covered the sky and blocked the sunlight. It reflected my feelings perfectly.

On the way to the train station I told nii-chan that I wanted to get some flowers so we stopped at the flower shop that was on the way there. It took me about 10 minutes to decide what flowers I wanted to buy. Nii-chan was patient, although I knew that he wanted us to be on our way by now.

It was a weekend and brother and I would spent a few hours at the graveyard like we usually did, we would just tell our parents about the year that had past, how much we missed them, and that we were doing alright.

I was thinking of getting some different type of flowers this time, thinking that our mother would like the changed but I finally settled on her favorite, the same type I bought her each year. After I picked the flowers and paid for them we left the shop. We were waiting for the traffic light to change for us to pass the street to the train station. The street wasn’t that crowded because of all the rain, sometime when we were inside the store it became a light drizzle instead of pouring like it was when we left the penthouse.

There was a kid I think he was about 14 year’s old standing next to us also waiting although he was a bit farther from where we stood. He was right next to the traffic light wearing a dark rain coat with the hood protecting him against the rain. Nii-chan and I were talking. He was trying to lighten the mood by one of his –not so funny- jokes. I didn’t really want to show him how sad I felt, so I laughed.

Every year it was the same thing. My nii-chan would try to cheer me up. Joke around and act all goofy. My precious nii-chan would always try to make me smile, and he would always succeed.

I smiled and thought of how much I really loved my nii-chan. I can’t even imagine life without him. If he wasn’t here I don’t think I would have wanted to keep on living after our parents have died. Without his support I wouldn’t have made it. I wouldn’t even have meet Usagi-san.

A few seconds had passed, then all of a sudden I heard this awful squeal of wheels my head snapped towards the street and saw this car slipping on the road, it was heading right for us. The only thing that was on my mind at that moment was my brother so the first thing I did was pull him to the side, away from the car’s collation course.

The kid that was next to us was still standing there. He had headphones on so I think he didn’t hear the car, or my brother for he was yelling, telling him to move.

The next thing I knew nii-chan was running towards the kid. The car was so close; there was no way that they could have gotten out of the way in time. I think my brother knew that because the next thing I saw was him shielding the kid with his own body. His back to the car as he wrapped his arms around the kid and turned him with him.

I froze in my spot not knowing what just happened. My mind couldn’t keep track of what just happened right in front of me. My heart stopped for what seemed like hours when it had only been a few seconds. One of my arms was outstretched when I was about to run to him and pull him back, it was still in mid air as I stood there completely paralyzed.

What just happened? Nii-chan…? Did Nii-chan just…? What did…?

I suddenly realized that the car had hit my brother dead on. My heart started to pound madly against my chest.He was laying there on the ground with that kid in his arms. There was blood everywhere. 

No!!! No….!!Nii-chan…No!!!

“NII-CHAN…” I yelled at the top of my lungs and started running towards him. He was laying a pound of his blood still holding that kid. The kid didn’t seem to be hurt much, I think he was shocked. I didn’t really care; all I was thinking about was my nii-chan. He was hurt, I was standing right there and I couldn’t do anything. My mind was all over the place. My nii-chan was hurt… that’s all I could think about at that moment. He was hurt…and I was right there…

What should I do? What do I do? Nii-chan… what do I do???

I fell to my knees right next to where he lay motionless on the ground. The boy removed himself out of my brother’s embrace but couldn’t move much. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I had to do something. I reached my right hand out, but then withdraw it. He was hurt, bleeding, I didn’t want to add to his pain… but I had to make sure that he was still…still…oh my god… this can’t be happening.

I reached out again, to make sure I didn’t hurt him more I held his right hand in mine. He felt cold. Why did he feel cold?

“Nii-chan” I called again, but in a lower voice. I was oblivious to what was happening around me. After what fell like a life time, I saw his eyes flutter open. His eyes meet mine. In that moment I saw how much pain he was in. blood trailed from his head and… tears? Where those tears mixed with blood running down his face?

“N-Nii…chan?” I stuttered. I didn’t know what to say. I really didn’t know what to say.

I saw his face contract in pain. I panicked “N-Nii-chan… where does it hurt?” I wanted to help him. I didn’t want to see him in pain. My nii-chan… I just didn’t want him to be in pain…

He opened his mouth and for a second nothing came out. Then I heard him say in a very low voice “M-misaki…I-I’m s..s..sorry…I-I l-lo..ve you ...” he reached his right hand up to my left cheek and stroked it, then he smiled at me weakly and said “m-mi…s-saki…y-you d-don’t have to c-cry…” I didn’t even notice that I have started crying. His words started to fade towards the end as he started to lose consciousness, his hand falling off of my cheek.