Picking up the Pieces

I'm Sorry

Ding Dong:
Me and Julian were lying in his bed watching a Movie.Everything was quite until I heard the front door open and someone walking around the house.I tried to ignore it,since Julian did but It freaked me out.It was probably his mum but wouldn't it be weird if she walked seeing us cuddled up next to each other,I mean she probably doesn't even know someone else is here.
A lot of thoughts were running through my mind and Julian must've noticed because he gave me a curious look.
„Are you alright?"I nodded and just kept starring at the TV.Only a few minutes later his door opened and his mum walked in.She was very small and she had short black hair.
„Oh Hi,I'm Anna" she gave me a polite smile and she seemed pretty sweet.
I felt stupid for lying here almost on top of her son with his arms around me.Why am I so embarrassed.
„Ding Dong"I smiled back at here trying to hide my embarrassment.Anna just nodded even though she looked kinda confused,Probably because Ding Dong is such an absurd name.She walked out of the room and closed the door.
„I feel stupid"I hid my face in Julian's chest and grabbed onto his shirt.
„why?"He started laughing a but and then started rubbing my back with his hand.
„because,It almost looked like I was fucking her son.That's not weird at all"Julian started laughing which made me smile but luckily he couldn't see.
„She doesn't care,She wouldn't even care if she did walk in on us fucking"At this point I was looking at Julian and it just made me laugh what he just said.
I nodded and covered my face with my hands.My head started aching and It felt like someone was poking a needle into my brain.
„no fuck"I grabbed my head and pulled at my hair.Headaches are the absolute worst.
„What's wrong?"Julian put his hand on the side of my face and looked at me.
„Headache"He let go off me and got up.
„I'll get you some painkillers"Julian smiled and then walked downstairs leaving his door open.The TV was off at this point so I could hear him and his mum talking downstairs.
„so who's that,Is he Your Boyfriend?"She laughed and her laugh was almost as good as Julian's.
„I-I actually don't know"
„What do you mean you don't know Julius"
„Mum,I know he loves me and I love him but I don't know if he even wants to date me,He just recently got cheated on and broken up with,I don't want to ruin this..."He sounded sad and it just broke my heart.I would probably say 'yes' if he'd ask me to date him,Probably.
„oh julian,Do what seems right to you"
After she said that Julian came back upstairs.I was just lying there starring at the ceiling thinking about us.I'd love to date julian it's just,It's not gonna take long until he finds someone better.Julian deserves so much better.He's not gonna ask me anyways,Ryan was my first ever Relationship and my last one.No one should ever date such a burden like me.
„Ding Dong!"He shook me out of my thoughts.
„yes?"I sat up and looked at him while he was giving me a glass of water and a pill.After I took the pill,I got up and put my jeans back on which were on the floor what made Julian give me a confused look.
„I'm sorry I have to go home"He looked sad and the more I looked at him the more I noticed that he was slowly getting a bruise on his nose,I wonder why.It still made me so mad that they did that.That should've been me,No matter what Julian says.He doesn't deserve that,If he didn't hang around with me they would've never beaten him up.
Tears were burning in my Eyes while I was putting on my shoes.I blinked them away and then took my backpack.
Julian was now standing in front of me.
„Sorry"I hugged him and just wished I could stay here with him forever.
„Why do you keep saying you're sorry?There's literally nothing you have to be sorry about Ding Dong."Julian pushed me away from his so he could look at me.I just shook my head.
„There is"I walked out of his room,rushed down the stairs and almost ran out of the front door.
I'm ruining him,I need to stop.
While I was walking back home I had to stop myself from crying so badly that I almost passed out because I forgot to breathe.When I finally reached my house I was lucky enough to be alone at home.I ran inside and into my room.
My phone started ringing but I decided to ignore to it since It was Julian.He eventually stopped calling me and then send me a text.
Julian:Are you still sorry because you think it's your fault that I got beaten up?It's not,okay?It's my fault.They were talking shit about you and I wanted that to stop.You don't deserve that.Ding Dong,Stop thinking that way.Everything I do,Is my own fault.Just know that I love you.
I started crying and threw my phone onto my bed.Can't he be happy with someone who's worthy his love,Who's able to give him what he wants.
I walked to the bathroom and looked into the mirror.My neck was covered in small bruises because of Julian.
With each second of looking in the mirror I got more and more angry at myself.
„you don't deserve him"I opened the cupboard and took out some pills,swallowed a good handful and then slowly went back to my room and back to bed.
„I'm sorry Julian"I whispered to myself somehow hoping Julian would be here to give me hugs and tell me It'll be fine.
I hated this,I hated feeling so good with him but the second he's gone I feel horrible.This needs to stop.I can't rely my happiness on someone,Not again.It always ends bad.My Eyes were slowly shutting and I was glad when I was alseep.No more worrying and no more sadness,That's everything I want and If I can only archive that while I'm sleeping then I guess sleeping forever is the best solution.