Picking up the Pieces

lonely

Ding Dong:
I was crying the whole night silently into Julian's pillows.I wish I wouldn't have been such an asshole to him these past few days.Julian really does love me but I'm too stupid and just pushed him away ,terrified of getting hurt again.He's probably the only Person I trust with my Life,He just means so much to me and I've never met someone who I also mean a lot to.
After all I feel asleep still with his arms around me and I honestly wished this night would never end.Sadly it did and we both woke up at 2pm because his mum woke us up.
„I'm sorry,but you gotta pack Julian"She looked very sad,So did I and Julian too of course.
„Can I come with you?".I crawled on top of him and laid down.
„What am I gonna do Julian?My dad is gonna kill me"The thoughts of what happened last night came back and I immediately regretted everything we did last night.
„I'm sorry Ding Dong.I wish I could tell you what to do,but I can't.I'm terrified to go back myself.Last time I saw my dad he told me he's glad that I'm gone now"
„why are both of our dads so dumb"Julian started laughing and god I'm gonna miss his laugh more than anything.
„I really don't know Dingus"He gave me a kiss and then pushed me of which made me kinda sad.
„even If I don't want to go I gotta pack."Julian looked at me for a second and them got closer to kiss me again.
„I'm wearing a sweater of yours and one of the shirts in my backpack is also yours."I was close to falling asleep agin oh boy.
„You should just keep those"I'm glad he said that because I did really wanna keep this sweater.It reminds me so much of him even though it's just a black sweater which was at least 2 sizes too big for me and had some Japanese signs on it which I don't know what they mean and I was too scared to ask because I don't wanna seem dumb.Eventually I did fell asleep but not that long later Julian who just came out of the shower woke me up again.
„Let's go somewhere,c'mon get ready"Julian held out his hand for me to take so I could get up.
As soon as I got up and stood in front of Julian,I hugged him.
About 2 Minutes after I let go of him and got my backpack to take some clothes out to wear.
„Where are we going?"He was in his bathroom but he had the door opened so I could look at him doing his hair.
„I-don't know yet"He laughed and then walked back into his room just when I got ready putting on my clothes.
After we were both ready to go we left his house and started walking,I don't know where we were going and I don't even know if Julian knew where we are going.I was about to start complaining because we were walking for 20Minutes and I was tired.We were at the end of the town where there was a big sea and nobody around.Me and Julian ended up sitting down on the bridge with our legs hanging down.
It was complete silence and surprisingly I felt good.I pushed the thought that Julian is going to leave tonight away and just enjoyed this.
„Please don't find someone better than me,and just replace me..."
He put his arm around me to pull me closer so I put my head on his shoulder.
„I won't.Nothing will change,We'll carry on from where we ended and just..."He sighed and grabbed my hand to hold it.
„I love you"
„I love you too Julian"I closed my Eyes while thinking about how fast I can get these 4 Months over.
„I'm gonna miss you...a lot"How does Julian actually like me?
I just nodded because I couldn't talk right now I'll probably start crying then.Time flew by and it got dark outside.
„We gotta go"
We got up and started walking back to Julian's house.I held his hand which was ice cold and I noticed he was shaking.
„Are you okay?"My voice was cracking which made my throat hurt.
„Not really"He laughed and held my hand even tighter.
When we arrived at his house we went up to his room to enjoy the last few hours we had together until we see each other again in 4 Months.
„You're gonna come with me to the Airport right?"I nodded and kissed him.
Me and Julian just sat in his bed hugging and kissing for an hour or two until his mum came into his room telling us we need to leave.
We got up and went down stairs where Julian's mum was already waiting and then went outside and got into the car to drive to the airport.
„I love you"I was surprised he heard that because it was so quite.
„I love you too"He smiled at me and rested his head on my shoulder.
We were getting closer to the airport which means the Time me and Julian had together until he comes back is slowly running out and It gave me a panic attack.
„I'll be back before you know it dingus I promise"Before we got out of the car when we arrived at the airport he kissed me.
It's still so unreal to me that I have someone in my Life who actually loves.I met Julian such a short time ago yet it feels like I know him my entire life. I took his suitcase and then we walked to the gate where he had to go. He hugged his mum and told her goodbye which only took him like 5 seconds but then he went over to hugging me which took like 5 Minutes.
„It's insane how someone can mean everything to you after knowing them for such a short time."I smiled at him while Tears were running down both of our faces.He laughed and then kissed me for the 700th time today but I didn't mind one single bit.
It was time to leave for him so he backed away from our hug,kissed me one last time and then he left.
4 Months until I see him again. 4 fucking Months. I felt so alone all of a sudden.Julian's mum offered to drive me home but I denied,I just got my backpack out of the car and then started walking home.I wanted to stay away from home as long as possible even though it's only gonna take me 20Minutes to walk home.
Before I went home I went to the store to get some alcohol because what better Things to do when you're lonely and you'll just get yelled at at home than to get drunk and care about nothing anymore?I was lucky because the cashier didn't care enough to ask me for my ID. My ID was faked anyways and said I was 21 but whatever.When I arrived at home It didn't take 2 Minutes until my dad started yelling at me.I was in my room with the door locked and my dad just kept yelling some shit about me being a failure,so nothing I didn't know already.At least the alcohol made me feel better and the thought of cuddling Julian 'soon' again.
It's been 10Minutes after that asshole stopped standing in front of my door yelling at me.
Julian:Don't do anything stupid alright?I love you
Too late Julian.At this point I was fucked up and thinking about getting some Things from the bathroom.
After sitting there for 10 Minutes I decided to get up and go to the Bathroom to get what I want.
A hand full of sleeping pills to end the night.I took one after one and kept chocking on them because I couldn't bother getting a cup to put water in.
When I was done I went back to my room and laid down in my bed.
„I love you too"I'm so alone I hate myself.It didn't take long until I fell asleep and I was hoping I would wake up in 4 Months.