Be Still

The Visit

Previously on Be Still

Instead, I left and brought pain and heartache into her life. truly ruined that girl's life. I bullied her. Just for the sake of getting friends, being popular. Now, look where that's got me.

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Next, thing I know we were here, at the hospital. A feeling of dread and anxiousness raves through me as I look at the awful place. Although my hospital stay wasn't the worst, I still hated the building. The smell of disinfectant, the plain colored walls, the sense of sadness and death.
We stop at the door as everyone else hustled and bustled around us.

" We don't have to go in today, son," my dad says.

" No, I'll go,"I mumble. I owe Jack that much since I'm the one who put him in this mess.
" You know no one blames you, Josh," he says almost reading my thoughts. I just nodded and dad and I remained in silence as we made it up to the ICU.

Upon arriving to the room, I see his parents, one on each side of him holding his hands. They had the same look of tiredness and despair, yet their eyes still had a certain light to them.
They each get up to hug us. I tensed slightly not quite sure if I deserved their love and kind words.

After their greetings my eyes finally scanned over Jack. I saw how horrible he looked in that bed. He was pale and had all these tubes hooked up to him. He looked scary, like he was dying, not at all like the lively friend I'm used to. As I looked over him all the hope drained from my body like the color in his.

I felt guilt and panic rise, but I held it down. I can't break now!
We all chatted a bit before they left me alone with Jack, and went to go get coffee from the cafeteria. I knew it was there excuse to have "grownup conversation" and to give me a chance to speak with Jack alone. I didn't even know how to begin this conversation, or whatever this was.
I sit in silence for a second

" Hey Jack," I begin. " Um, I uh, I don't know how to do this, I mean, ugh," I sputter about. I pause for a minute the reality of the situation hits me. I angrily wipe away the tears that slip from my eyes. Pain beats in my chest. I take a few deep breaths to prevent myself from hyperventilating and losing it all.

" Um, I'm really sorry that you're here man.I'm the one who's meant to be in this situation," I begin to speak my mouth becomes thick like its full of peanut butter. The silence begins to grow and drown out the rest of the world. I had to escape, the silence became to unbearable. The only way to get out was by using my tongue.

" I, uh, I've been hanging with Kara again. More like, she's been wheeling me around in silence. And today I found out how badly I screwed up, " I say while rubbing the back of my neck," I even met her new friends, the ones from the Christian group at school, you never told me about," I add silently to myself.
"They were actually nice to me," I say with surprise," even after what I've done to their friend. "

" I mean if any one had ever done anything to you, I mean I'd be pretty angry at that person," I say truthfully. Only to then see the irony, as I his best friend had hurt him.

" I guess that's why I'm angry with myself," I whisper. After a moment of thinking of all the horrible things I have done to others, I speak.

" Why are you here and not me?" I deserve to be here! Not only because I was driving, but because of all the stuff I did to Kara. All the time I picked on people. All for the sake of friends. I had a friend who accepted me without doing all of that, why didn't I just stick with him. If he was there the whole time, why didn't he call me out on what I was doing.

"Why didn't you tell me how much of a jerk I was...." I ended up blurting out," or maybe you did and I just didn't listen," I whisper as the "conversation" drags on into another period of silence.

My thoughts speaking instead of my mouth. Why didn't I listen? Why am I like this? Why, why, why, why couldn't I've been more like...Jack?
" You know I envy you," I say speaking once all my thoughts gather again," You don't know how hard it is living without your bestfriend. But the thing is in a situation like this, I bet you would have hope and faith in God. You would probably have it all together. Most people look at me with pity and see a mess. I mean I see a mess. I wish I had your optimism and hope and faith and kindness. I'm trying, but it's so hard..." I trail off.

" After the accident I blamed God, I've been angry at Him. I thought he abandoned us," I say laying it out in the open. It's not like he can hear me, and I need to get all the thoughts drowning me out, so I can breathe.

I've done all this wrong, and it's all crashing down into reality. Like a heavy weight I cant get rid of. All of the hurt, the guilt, the pain....
I can't live knowing that I've hurt people like this. The question is would I be able to live like this if I didn't know. I don't know, but I do know is that Im alive. I could've died, but I didn't, and I still have time to fix it.

"Truth is I've been in the wrong. It's like you said at the party I'm the one who's done the abandoning, He hasn't. I've done some crazy and hurtful things, not only to God, but to others, to you....and I've got to fix it. So I'm going to try ,and I'm going to apologize. So don't give up man, please keep fighting. I need someone to laugh at again. Talk about girls with... Someone to help me figure out this God thing again...." I say trailing off.

" No, matter what people say it's me that should be in this bed not you. Please wake up, dude. People need you out here. You know it's funny how much we depend on someone, and when they're gone-it's," My voice begins to crack up as a tear streams down my cheek. " It's hard," I finish, before fiercely wiping my face, I can't break down, not here. I quickly wheel out of the room, and to the restroom. Little did I know the parents returned just in time to see the blubbering mess that was me.