Super Rich Kids

All I Want

“We’re lost and found”

My head began to throb, an overwhelming sensation that made me groan in pain. The bright lights I had awoken to confused me while blinding me, and I became very nervous when I realized the setting wasn’t the one I was so familiar with. My room; there was no bed in front of me, there was no mirror behind me and there was no blood.

My head swam in an ocean that was as foggy as the night sky in the fall. I couldn’t wrap my head around what just happened. I was so driven by my desperation of just feeling numb I had lost sense of control and now I’m still alone, in a bare hospital room with needles sticking through my skin. I don’t understand how my actions led me to this situation but I knew it was my fault and no one else’s. I had no one to blame but myself for being so weak and vulnerable to my thoughts trying to drag me back to my old habits.

“Bay,” my eyes traveled up along my dad’s body, not wanting to look into his eyes at first, I knew how disappointed he would be or is, as a matter of fact. His eyes gave everything away; his emotions were never easy to hide and I think that’s where I got my expressions. Or, at least how easily I can be read. “Bay, what were you thinking?” He came closer to the bed, I felt disgusted with myself as I looked down at my gauzed-covered wrist. How could I have done this to myself?

 “I… I don’t know” It was an honest answer. I was being completely honest but he never accepted it as an answer. The way his eyes widened at my response told me that he had realized how much help I needed and that I wasn’t okay. I was never okay and I didn’t want him to feel guilty about this but it was hard to comfort him while I was trying to comfort myself.

“Louis called.” He was holding my hands, his voice shaking and I knew I had messed up. I had completely obliterated his trust in me and I knew it was going to be difficult to gain his trust back. To gain everyone’s trust back in that matter.

“Oh.”  I didn’t know how else to reply to that. I didn’t know the consequences of my actions while I had been holding my weapon or the reason behind it all, although I had come to convince myself it was because of Aria’s stay at the hospital and somehow I didn’t feel so bad as I calmed myself down. He doesn’t understand, no one understands.

“You scared the hell out of me, kid.” He managed a soft chuckle at the end but I knew the crack in his voice was a sign of disappointment and sorrow. I felt awful making him go through all of this. A father should not have to watch his child suffer but here he is, holding my wounded self in a hospital bed telling me everything will be alright when it clearly will not be alright, at least not now.

“Sorry.” I couldn’t really bring myself to say anything else. I didn’t want my voice to betray me. I was trying my best to keep it short so I wouldn’t have to do much talking at the moment but once I’ve opened my mouth to speak, it was difficult for me to keep it shut. “Is Louis here?”

I didn’t understand why I had asked for him but I wanted to see someone other than my father. Not that I wasn’t glad that he was here, I was more than elated to wake up and find him by my side, never letting me down or straying far from me as no father should but I also wanted someone to explain to me how my actions are stupid and I wanted someone to knock some sense into me because I wasn’t that type of person, obviously.

Once my father walked out, Louis had stepped in. Shaking hands with my father I realized that this was probably the first time they have met and I thought to myself what a weird situation to meet someone in. I didn’t expect for Louis to be calm while he approached me and I didn’t expect him to come closer to put his lips on my forehead.

“You scared the hell out of us, Bay.” If it really was that scary, why hadn’t I been scared? Why was I so glad to finally close my eyes and let the heaviness of them take over? I didn’t understand my own thoughts and I didn’t even try to explain them to Louis and so it was better if we both sat here in silence, not explaining anything.