The Bucketlist Bitches

falling a p a r t

The wind caresses my face as i look out of the moving car,  every muscle in my body aches. Maybe it has something to do with sleeping on the ground and not in a bed all night. Not that i slept much after what I've come to call 'the big discovery'.

I look around at my friends,  take in their faces and wonder where their minds are. Hannahs head is resting on Tobys shoulder and they both have a look of complete content painted all over their faces, and the roses in Hannahs cheeks and the way Toby stokes her hair makes me wonder what happened between them last night.

Troy is driving, one hand at the steering wheel and the other hanging loosely out of the window. His eyes meet mine in the mirror and I smile at him. After 'the big discovery' we talked for what seemed like hours, And he told me that he and Marcus had been together in secret for six months now, and that I couldn't tell anyone,  especially not Toby. When I asked why, his face went blank of a second and his eyes got glassy before he blinked hard and said: "He doesn't think boys should be together in that way" which was just a nice way of saying that he was homophobic.

I've always thought homophobic people just were gay people in denial, but I didn't say it out loud, it wouldn't make any difference to the problem.

I snap back to the present,  and once again I feel the wind on my face. It has gotten noticeable colder and I quickly shut the window. Suddenly I feel extremely lonely, I'm the only single person in my group of friends right now, and it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon.

.....

Monday again, the most hated day of the week, and this one seems to be the worst I've experienced in years. The sky is heavy with rain and threathens to release an inferno of water down on us any moment, and the thought of having to endure the sight of Susan sticking to Evan like a bloodsucking mosquito makes me want to throw up.

But I eventually get out of bed, I can't afford to miss a day now that mid terms are coming up next month.

I pull a big  comfy sweater over my head and apply some makeup before I tie my hair in a messy bun, noticing that all that is left of the pink colour in my hair is a couple of pink stripes here and there. "As the weather gets colder and the nights get longer, the person I was this summer slowly fades away and reveals someone on the verge Of breaking" I say to my reflection before I leave to face the harsh reality that has become my life.

The feeling of loneliness I first felt in the car on the way home from the haunted house has clung to me sever since,  and as I step inside of the doors to school, I'm not surprised when I can't find either Renee nor Hannah. I didn't hear from any of them yesterday, something I normally wouldn't think much about, but now that they both are in relationships, I am terrified of being forgotten.

"Oh, for God's sake Cat, pull youself together" I whisper to myself and bravely endure the sight of Susan constantly flirting with Evan and the empty seat beside me where Renee usually sits, for a whole day.    

...

Now it's Thursday,  and Renee has finally returned to school with tales of how amazing Austin is,  and Hannah joins in with stories of how she and Toby went skinny dipping last night. It feels good to have them both back, and I'm genuinely happy for them. The pit in my stomach has been reduced to a small hole I can only feel when one of them gets a cute text from their boyfriends or talk about how amazing it feels to have someones arms around them. Even Evan seems to have lost interest in Susan, though we still don't talk to each other and look the other way when we pass each other in the hallways. I wonder what happened to us, and if there ever was an 'us'. Maybe we just withered away like the leaves that now covers the ground and makes a soggy, brown carpet everywhere we go.