The Bucketlist Bitches

A winter storm

Two months.

Two months of studying.

Two months of exams.

Two months of Renee sitting on the fence.

Two months of walking home alone.

Two months of loneliness.

I guess you can say I'm tired.

The kind of tired that sleep can't fix.

 

Pulling the big blue sweater over my head, i realize how much time has passed, 62 days. That's the longest time I've ever gone without speaking to Hannah, and i don't think we'll ever be the same again.

 

I take a quick look in the mirror, adding some makeup and gathering my hair in a messy bun before tying a blue bandana around my head. I guess this is as good as it gets, it's not like i have anyone to impress. 

 

"Good morning" mom says and puts a plate of breakfast in front of me. "Morning" i say, it might be the start of a new day, but it certainly isn't a good one. "Aww, sweetie. Lighten up a bit. It's your last exam today, and after that you can relax and start looking forward to Christmas." Mom knows I've been struggling lately, and i appreciate her trying to lighten me up. But she doesn't know what it's like. She doesn't know how it feels like to sit at a full lunch table, and feel more alone than you would have done if you were the only person there. She doesn't know what it feels like to have your last best friend not daring to leave his house because he is so afraid of being beaten up. She doesn't know what it feels like to be replaced by your best friends boyfriends. "Yeah, just one to go", i say and sigh, because i don't know what to do when i don't have studying to distract me from the mess that is my mind.

 

...

 

The thing i like the most about exams is that there isn't any talking. No talking for a whole school day. Silence. I used to hate it, but now it's the only thing keeping me from skipping class.

 

As I sit there, trying to drown in the assignment, I close my eyes and hear the sound of fingers tapping on keyboards and feel the slight movement in the air every time someone sighs in desperation. I guess I was wrong; it is not silent in here. People may not be talking, but they're making noise, and with closed eyes it's impossible to distinguish between them. They disappear, and I wonder if all of them feel this lost, or if it's just me.

 

...

 

As I slam my locker shut at the end of the day and turn around to leave this house of horror, I feel my body crashing into someone else. Damn, why cant people just stay out of my way? I think as two hands wrap around me, keeping me on my feet. "Thank you" I mutter and look up. I planned on just walking away after seeing whom I bumped into. But when our eyes met, I couldn't seem to tare my eyes away. His eyes were bluer than I remembered, and his hands warmer than I imagined, but it was him. It was Evan.

 

We stand there for a couple of seconds, looking at each other like it was the first time. And in this moment, I want to stay here forever. But I can't. So I break free, and whisper "sorry" before I turn around and leave him behind me. For good. Or at least that's what I thought. 

 

...

 

Walking home is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For every step I take, a new tear run down my cheek, and for every breath I take, a new snowflake land on my head. The cold wind tear through my clothes and make goose bumps rise all over my body, but I keep walking. I keep walking

 

"Shit" I swear under my breath. "Shit. Shit. Shit" my face scrunches up and I feel myself being torn apart from the inside. "I can't do this, I can't do this" And I can't, I can't.

 

My feet hit the ground again and again as I start running up the hill I once crawled up with Hannah and Renee, towards the door I know I need to get behind. That is my only goal; to get behind that door, so that no one will see me cry.

 

I run and run and run, but the door doesn't seem to be getting any closer. "I need to get there" I say to myself, as my throat burns like someone lit a fire in there. I need to get there.

 

And somehow I do. Somehow I manage to close the door behind me before the storm inside me breaks free, and it gets colder inside than outside. 

 

 

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(A/N)

This story is gettin darker by the second, and i know it's brutal, but it is neccesary if i'm going to get the plot together.

Sorry for the wait.

- Carrie