The Bucketlist Bitches

old years eve

Time is a weird thing. When you need it, you don´t get it, but when you don´t want it, you get so much it seems to never end. In this case, I get way too little, and before i can blink, I feel myself pulling my black new years ever dress on. I remember the plans we made when I bought it with Hannah and Renee earlier this year. We were supposed to be together today, welcoming the new year with champagne and sparks, surrounded by friends. Now none of that is going to happen, and the short black dress with gold sequins on the shounders and an open back is just another reminder of what I leave behind this year.

Maybe this day should be called Old years eve in stead, because what we really celebrate is the year that is about to end, not the one that is coming.

"You can do this" I say to my reflection, straightening my back and applying a new layer of red lipstick on my lips. "You still have your family."

The evening is a blur of faces and names I barely reckognize, and as midnight draws closer, I feel the weight of this year settling in my stomach. It´s like a stone that gets heavier and heavier every step i take. My ankles are shaking, and even though Troy and Marcus called me earlier to wish me Happy new years, i can't help but feel like my friends have abandoned me. Because they have, even Renee, who I never did anything to.

I wish i had James here to keep me company, but because i was at my mom´s at christmas, I have bo be at my father's at new years, and here all my cousins are either running around in diapers or discussing wether Iron man or Spider man would last longest in the hunger games. I miss James, I miss Seth, I miss Renee, I miss Hannah, I miss Troy, I miss Marcus, I even miss Toby, but most of all I miss myself.

"10, 9, 8, 7," People are shouting around me, standing at the balcony waiting for the fireworks. "6, 5, 4" I find myself shouting along with them, shivering in the cold winter air. "3, 2, 1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Eveyrone screams and the sky explodes in colours as the old year is lost for ever and we enter a new one.

I wish I could say that i could say that the stone in my stomach dissapeared when the new year came, but it didn´t. it got even heavier. How am i supposed to make it trough 365 days without my friends?

I need to get out of here. I need to get away from all these people. I need to be alone.

I rush out in the hallway, pulling on my shoes and grabbing my flannel from a chair in the corner before I burst out the door, dissapearing into the night as I cry for the first time this year.

As the tears stream down my face, i walk and walk and walk, away from everything, away from nothing. I don´t know where i´m going, just that i have to get there. Because anywhere is better than being here.

The ground beneath me is white, coverd by snow. I wish i was covered in snow too. So that no one would be able to see the ugliness laying beneath the smooth white surface. I wish I was strong enough to get through this without needing the snow, but now i realise that i cannot. I need the snow. And just as i think so, a snowfalke lands on my nose.

I look up. I´ve walked far, further than i thought. On my right side, I can see tall trees covered in white, but on my left, I can see the city. It´s lights glowing in the dark night, every small dot of light symbolizing a life. And i realise that one light alone would not shine so brightly, but together they light brighter than the stars above me.

I can´t stand looking at them for long, so I turn around, wanting to continue walking. But when i lift my eyes, I see someone waling towards me. The steady steam of snowflakes falling around me makes it hard to see who it is, but there is something painfully familiar with the way his feet bounces of the ground with every step he takes, and the way his fingers entwine in his his hair when he brushes it out of his eyes. And I know who it is, because I am completely and utterly infatuated with him.