Diary Of A Nonbinary

UGH

I can't sleep. Idk if it's because I'm anxious about science class tomorrow, because I feel sick, or because I'm not that tired. It's probably a combination of all three.

I've been so anxious and depressed lately and it really sucks. I've been anxious because I really want to come out to my friends, but I'm scared that they will tell my parents and I don't want to be forced to come out to my parents. I've been depressed because NOBODY except for like one person uses the right name and stuff which I've talked about a million times so I'm not gonna talk about it again. I mean I understand when someone I'm not out to uses my birth name and stuff because I mean how could they know. But when someone I'm out to does it it really hurts and I just hate it.

Honestly, I know that coming out to my parents will solve the first problem. I know they might not agree with me that nonbinary is a thing, but I'm pretty sure they'll accept me because they aren't the type of people to basically bully their child. At least I know my mom will accept me. I don't know that my dad will call me by the right name and pronouns, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't talk bad about my sexuality or gender at least when I'm around.

I'm kinda worried about coming out to the rest of my family. My grandma is very Catholic and supports Trump and everything so she probably won't like it, but she probably would accept me idk.

My uncle would probably accept me being pan because he came out a few years ago as gay. He has a wife now so he might be bisexual but might be straight. Either way he was/is a part of the lgbt community.

I have no idea if my aunt would accept me. I don't know how she feels about trans people, but I'm pretty sure she would accept me as pan because she has some gay friends and never talks bad about them or any gays at all.

I know for sure that my grandpa would not accept me at all. He's like 100% against gays and trans people. I don't see him very much, but I know if I came out to him that he would probably give me crap when I do see him.

My brother would also hate me. He's like my grandpa and he talks bad about gay and trans people ALL THE TIME like he never shuts up about how they're so wrong. He's my brother and all, but I still think he wouldn't learn to accept me because he's so narrowminded and stupid.

I've been contemplating coming out to my parents for a while, but I've never seemed to find the right way or the right time. Recently I've just been thinking about texting them and telling them while I'm at school and then like posting a status on Facebook to let everyone else know.

I know that coming out to everyone and not being accepted by a few people would probably be better than just staying in the closet and feeling how I feel right now. Because even if people treat me badly, my parents wouldn't stand for it. Like if my brother would treat me badly then my parents would put a stop to it. About my grandpa like I know my mom would stick up for me if he said anything mean and he might stop talking to me and stuff but I honestly don't care I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

Writing this helped me realize what I should do. I'm going to come out to my parents tomorrow while I'm at school. I can't stand feeling so scared of them finding out by someone else anymore and I can't stand not being out to people who I know will accept me. Wish me luck, I'll tell you how it goes.

~Kris ♡