Her Secrets (On Hold)

Chapter Eight

       Bellamy

       I couldn't focus on the road after I left the church. Pulling over into the parking lot of a convenience store, I rubbed my temples.

       Clarke has a son. My son. And somehow Octavia seemed to know, but yet nobody thought I should know!

       "Okay," I sighed, grabbing the album Clarke handed me. She wanted me to open this, so here we go.

       The first page was just a letter.

       Bell,
I don't know how else to say this, expect you're going to be a father! I just found out the other day, I must have taken twenty tests. The doctors confirmed it. I'm eight weeks pregnant, so our emotional goodbye resulted in an emotional doctor visit for me. I'm overjoyed, really. This child is going to be so loved. I want to tell Octavia, but you deserve to know first. I know Octavia has been writing you, so here's to hoping you get this letter after training. You can come home now, Bellamy. You're family is here.
       -Clarke, waiting for Daddy to come home

       She wrote the letter in October, so why didn't she ever mail it? I was more confused than before, so I flipped the page. The first ultrasound pictures were there. I rubbed them, imagining what it would have been like to witness that first hand.

        There was another letter.

    Bellamy,
I saw your letter to Octavia. You love the military. That's great. That's really great. I'm happy for you. The letter says you're already decided, you'll be enlisting no less than about three years. Part of me still wants to send my first letter to you. You deserve to know that your child and I are here waiting for you. But on the other hand, am I selfish? I think I am. I am selfish twice. For wanting you to come home to me. For wanting and needing you here while I experience pregnancy and motherhood. The other half of me, the half that is not mailing the first letter, is selfish because I'm withholding information. And I'm sorry. But you're happy and set for three years, while I'm terrified. I feel so scared and weak to be writing this, debating if I should force you back to me. But you chose this path. I wasn't enough to keep you here, and I don't want you to feel guilted into staying with us. Which is why I'm promising that when you get back, I'm going to present you with these letters. I can beg for your forgiveness, and I hope I can earn it.
   - Clarke, only eighteen, terrified, but determined

       Anger. Shock. Hurt. A lot of emotions passed through me at her words. If I had known I would've found a way to stay, and she was enough dammit! I had joined for both of our futures, not just mine. How could she keep my own kid from me?

      Knowing she couldn't answer those questions right now, I flipped through the photos that Clarke decided to put it. All of his ultrasounds, his birth, each holiday, and each birthday.

      Guilt for being mad at Clarke was right on the level of anger I had for her. She needed to be with Homer. He needed her comfort, but in a few days, Bellamy would get her alone, and she was going to have to explain this.