Her Secrets (On Hold)

Chapter Nine

       Clarke

    I put Homer in he bed and stepped out of his room, following the sound of my phone ringing.

      "Hello?" I answered.

      "It's me." Bellamy's deep voice entered my ear, sending a terrified chill down my spine.

      "Uhm, hey," I gulped.

      "I'm in town," he said. "Is Homer okay?"

       "He is, he just fell asleep. He's much better, thank you for checking. Uh, I'm on Meadow road. 57, you'll see my car."

       "Turning on your road now. Can we manage to speak outside?"

        "I'll meet you out back, I just need to get his baby monitor," I said as his headlights turned into my driveway. I turned on the video and the nightlight in Homer's room, carrying the tablet with me. Just in case, I grabbed the other photo albums and eased the back door closed behind me. Turning on the two lamps, I met Bellamy's intense gaze again.

       He sat at the patio table, the album in his hands. So, I sat across from him.

       "I've been through so many emotions in the last week," he started. "I'm furious at you, Clarke. You kept my own son a secret from me. I'm hurt, knowing that you could do this to me. I have loved you for what, six years and you're capable of this? And I'm really pissed at you for dropping out of school."

        "I understand," I simply replied.

        "I hope you're ready, because I need a play by play of everything, Clarke. And I mean everything. From the moment you found out, to now. And why my sister and Indra didn't seem shocked in the least."

        "Indra has known since I was pregnant," I admitted. "She calls me every week and checks in. She gave me a ride to Jaha when I quit school and helped me get a job."

      "Okay, okay. From the beginning," he demanded.

       I took a deep breath. "Okay. The first thing was my period was late. But, I thought it was just stress. When you left, it took two security guards and a few hours to get me out of the bus station. But then, I remembered that night in the shower, we didn't use a condom. So, the first test I took said positive. I assumed I was crazy and imagining things. I took about ten more tests and they all said positive. But again, I needed more proof so I went to the doctor. Eight weeks pregnant by then." I leaned back in my chair before continuing. "I was excited but so scared. I wrote you the second I got home. I was so happy. You would come home and be back with me. You had to. But then I read your letter to Octavia and my heart shattered once more. You had again decided to make a huge decision and signed on for staying. At that point I realized a few things. One, breaking your contract was actually illegal. And, if I made you come home, I was afraid you would regret it and hate me. So, I decided to wait. I would wait until you got back home and tell you. But in November, I stared to show, and my morning sickness was getting worse. So, I called Indra and she drove me over to Jaha. She got me a job at a hotel. They let me stay in a room and work. I didn't make much, but it was enough to feed myself and get a few things like a start on diapers.

      "When I went in later to see the sex, I was so excited. But, the ultrasound showed more than just his sex. My placenta was too low. Uh, it basically moves up as the baby grows but mine wasn't moving. The doctor terrified me," I sniffled. "He basically told me that I needed bed rest, that too much effort or strain could cause it to tear, which endangered my life, and Homer's." Bellamy's hands were clenched as he listened. "So, even though I knew I would never live it down, I called Mom. She and Marcus took me in and helped me. Once m placenta finally started to move, I ended up in the emergency room. I felt awful and was so sick. Turns out I was dehydrating. So, I got fluids, and started drinking twice as much water. Then a few days later, I had intense back pain and I was so sick, throwing everything up. Back in the emergency room, I then had a kidney infection. I stayed over night and the got to come home. I thought I was in the clear, but once again, I was rushed to the hospital. I pulled a muscle and then had contractions. God I was terrified. I was only seven months in, it was too early. He never would've made it being that small. The hospital stopped the contractions though and I was back at work. I waitresses during the week and the local hotel here in Arkadia hired me to come in on the weekends and file for them."

      I shifted, trying to read Bellamy's emotions. "About a week and a half before his due date though, my water broke. I freaked out, packing my hospital bag. Mom was great though, she stayed calm and got me admitted. I was in labor, my contractions through the roof. I couldn't sleep, they were so bad I was waking up, squeezing the handles of the bed. Well, once again the doctors scared me. My blood pressure was to high and they said the word 'preeclampsia' which again, terrified me. I thought I would bleed out and die, never getting to hold my son. But, thankfully once again, I was okay. After about eleven or twelve hours of contractions, sitting up to get him to fully drop, I was told to push. I pushed for almost two hours," I chuckled. "I have never experienced such pain in my life, but it was so worth it when they brought Homer to me. When I heard that cry, felt his soft skin, I knew I would do it all again to experience that."

       "You didn't get an epidural?" Bellamy asked.

        "At first no, because we needed him lower. About two in the morning when my blood pressure was the worst, I got am epidural. I was able to sleep about five hours until I just woke up. Once I was ready to push though, my epidural was turned off."

          "Shit," he whispered. "Then what?"

         "Well, I was okay. But, Homer needed time under the lights. He was only allowed to be out of the light for feedings. I was so upset, I had just given birth and I wasn't allowed to even hold him, but I knew it was for his health. He also wasn't eating as much as he should. So, after about three days, I was discharged but they took Homer to the NICU. I slept in there with him that night, right by his side. In the morning we were finally released but I had to get him to the doctors soon and often to keep a check on his weight. He was born at five pounds, seven ounces. But, when they discharged him, he was down to five pounds and four ounces. I went home and cried for hours. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like my body was starving him. I beat myself up, taking every vitamin the doctor told me about. I changed my diet. But, his pediatrician told me point blank that he just simply needed more. So after hours of crying and hating myself, I bought him his first container of formula. He was almost three months old." I wiped my eyes. "I went through scares whole I carried him, while giving birth, and then once again my body had failed him by starving him. It took days to honestly stop beating myself up and just be thankful that he was healthy and gaining weight."

         "Clarke," his voice was gentle, soft. "I know you realize it now, but you're incredible. Not a failure. You pushed through all of that alone and brought Homer into this world."

         "Thank you," I smiled. "After that, I had to work. Mom gave me my graduation money which got me my car and a down payment on this place. I hired a babysitter and found a few jobs. At night, I would sit for hours and do online classes. Every moment that Homer was asleep, I was working towards a degree. During the day I was working for the hospital now, and the weekends I was taking shifts at a restaurant or a gas station. I sold a bunch of paintings online, but finally, when I got my degree, I got officially hired by the hospital. I work in town at a desk, and it came with a raise. I've been working towards getting my bachelor's degree next, because that comes with another raise. I know we're doing okay now, but I don't want to be the eighteen year old who got pregnant and dropped out of college. Instead I'm a mother who has done what it takes to keep my son taken care of."