Her Secrets (On Hold)

Chapter Five

         Clarke

        Homer was up from his nap, so I pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt. Dressing him was simple, he was excited to be getting into his still new Ninja Turtles carseat.

       As I walked him to the car, I couldn't help but giggle as he always jumped from each stone from the front steps to the driveway. When we were both buckled, we head to the closest outlet malls.

       "Okay, big man," I smiled as I pulled him from the car. "We can go to toy store, but only if we get to get you some new shoes. Okay?"

       "I wan' toys," he begged. "And 'soos.'

       "Okay, let's do shoes first," I giggled holding his hand. The two of us made our way across the parking lot, his tiny hand holding tightly to mine.

        His eyes were wide as we passed the fountains. He loved looking at them, so I let him toss a few pennies in and snapped a few pictures.

       "Okay," I said, grabbing his hand again. "Let's go get you some new shoes."

        "I knew I recognized you from across the fountain."

        My back stiffened as Homer gripped my leg in a death grip. I bent down to scoop him into my arms and turned to face Octavia.

       "What are you doing back up here?" I questioned.

        "I don't really know if that's the most pressing question here, Clarke."

         "Mommy?" Homer whispered.

        I looked down into his big brown eyes and turned him so Octavia could see him.

        "Holy Bellamy Blake's eyes," she gasped.

        "Mommy, who she?"

        "This is Tavia, remember?" I told him, putting on a smile.

         "Tavia, Tavia," he chanted.

         "H-he knows me?" She asked, stunned.

         "I have pictures," I sighed. "Look, is he with you?"

          "No," she whispered, studying Homer. "I came alone, I just wanted to go shopping."

         "Well, I'm getting him a few things. Do you want to shop with us? I'll drive you to my place and explain everything later on."

         "Yeah, yeah. I do." She tickled Homer a little, getting him to smile.

         "I love your new shoes, Homer," Octavia told him as he hopped to the front door. "He's so tall," she said to me as I carried in his other bag.

         "Yeah he is. He's always been a little taller. That uh, that would be his dad's genes."

        I unlocked the door and Homer went straight to his room, ignoring us completely for his new toys. I watched Octavia as she circled the house, taking in every picture on the wall.

      "You kept this?" She chuckled, pointing the picture on the side table. It was a picture Indra took of the three of us: Bellamy, Octavia, and I. We were all out on the beach, smiling like idiots.

       "He loves that one," I told her. "He also really loves the graduation one. He told me to keep it beside my bed."

        "So,obviously I have questions. But, I want you to know that you have my silence. This isn't my place to tell anyone your business. Okay?"

       "Thank you," I nodded, sitting down next to her. I pulled out the three photo albums next to me and gave her the bottom one. "Here. This one is my pregnancy through his first Christmas."

       Octavia flipped the pages of the album, smiling and gasping. "Oh wow," she whispered, her hands over her mouth. "He was so small," she gasped.

       "Yes, defintely small," I chuckled. "He was five pounds, seven ounces. He had to wear preemie diapers and clothes home from the hospital."

        "Oh, my. Oh, but look at you. You pushed a baby out and still looked beautiful."

      "Oh nk," I laughed. "No that is make up from the night before. I was out to dinner with Mom and Marcus and my water broke. I was in labor for a little over twelve hours."

       "Clarke! How the hell did you manage?"

       "Well, the first six or so hours, he was too high. I had to sit propped up and try to get him to drop the rest of the way. They gave me the epidural as soon as he was low enough because my contractions were through the roof. But once it was time to push, they took my epidural down to nothing. I had to push about an hour and a half to bring him into this world," I told her, running my fingers over the picture of him under the blue lights.

       "That must have seriously fucking hurt," she chuckled. "Was the pregnancy okay?"

       "Uhm, mostly yeah. I had a few uh mishaps during. We made it though," I smiled.

        "Oh he was so small. Look at him opening his present," she giggled.

        "Here," I said, putting the other albums on the table. "These are all the way up until his last birthday. I'm going to get him a bath really quick."

       Leaving Octavia, who was so focused on the albums she probably didn't hear me, I ran the water for Homer and bathed him quickly. Once he was dry, I turned on his favorite movie and let him play more.

       "Clarke, why? Why did you just leave?" She whispered.

       "I was eighteen years old. The guy I begged on my knees not to leave me had left me. At first," I swallowed. "At first I wrote Bellamy a letter. I told him he was going to be a father. But, I didn't send it, because I saw your letter from him. The one where he said he was enjoying it so much and was glad to be staying three years. I felt suddenly selfish, like if I told him he would be forced to give up something he really loved and wanted to do. For years I've lived with this terrible guilt of keeping Homer a secret from everyone. Years I've sat here, holding this letter, wondering if it's too late to just send it anyways. Just to let him know, even though he won't be here. I don't know. I was a child. I'm still barely an adult and my whole world got turned upside down." I took a sip of water. "As far as telling you, I just didn't know how. Once I saw the letter my heart just dropped. I know it was wrong. I know you would've loved to be a part of his life. And again, I live with that guilt. But, at the time it felt right to leave. And once I was gone, it's like I had two different lives. My world here, and the once every few months life I still had with you. It's like it was too late, you know?"

         "I get it," Octavia sighed. "You were heart broken and torn apart. You had a child growing inside of you. I have never been in your situation and I can't even begin to imagine what this has been like. But, I'm not mad. I'm sad that for years I've had this sweet nephew in my life that I didn't know, but I can't be mad at you."

       "Thank you, for not hating me," I chuckled. "Go on and play with him. Get to know him a little while I make dinner."

          Dinner and conversation went by smooth. Octavia was do taken with Homer, she laughed at his silly faces and played with him until she was out of breath.

         "Thank you. For letting me come meet him. I'll keep my mouth shut, even to Lincoln. Bellamy said you had to talk to him at the wedding. I take it you're going to spill the beans?"

        "I am. Time to stop being a chicken and be honest. I know he's going to hate me. He's going to be so pissed, and that's okay. He has the right. I'm just dreading it," I confessed it.

        "Listen, I can't promise what will happen right when the talk goes down, okay? But I know for sure that he's so in love with you and he will be so in love with Homer. He will be mad. But I will talk to him when he finds out and I swear to you he will come around. He will want to be here everyday."