Her Secrets (On Hold)

Chapter Twelve

Bellamy

Clarke was up. I could feel her untangling from my body, and as much as I wanted to pull her back against me, I stretched and yawned.

"Time to get up?" I mumbled.

"Yeah, Homer is going to be up soon and I've got a few things to do."

I watched her walk quickly out of her room and into the kitchen. Her mood was a complete turn from last night, and I wondered why.

Pulling my clothes on, I followed her out of the room, wanting to talk, but instead I stood in place, frozen as I watched her.

Her cell phone was pressed to her as she carried Homer to the restroom. She stepped away, still talking to someone. Without a pause or a 'hold on' to whoever she was speaking to, she picked Homer up again, turning on her computer and spinning Homer in circles, making him bubble over with those precious giggles.

She dipped him upside down, smiling even as she continued to talk about budgets and filing something. She never missed a beat as she made coffee. When she finally hung up, she pulled something up on the computer, checked her emails on her phone, and started making waffles all while she was having a full blown conversation with Homer.

"So, how would you feel about going to that little school, baby? Do you want to see other kids, make some friends?" She was asking him.

"Hm," he answered her. "They have toys?"

She plated the waffles and put down two mugs of coffee, giving him a juice pouch that she already opened. "Yes," she chuckled. "They have toys, a big playground, and there's other little boys and girls that you can play with." She cut his waffle up for him as I took my seat. "Does that sound fun to you?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I like playgrounds."

"Of course you do," she pinched his cheek.

"Uh, you're putting him in daycare now?" I asked.

"He should be socialized for school," she shrugged.

"Is it a good daycare?" I asked, just trying to be a part of everything.

She tensed. "Obviously it is," she said.

Why the anger? "I didn't mean that negatively, Clarke. I just want to make conversation and I want to be involved."

"The daycare is wonderful," she told me, like the words were being pulled from her. "There are cameras all around so that I can look in on him at any time. I know one of the teachers there, personally. It's very good."

"That sounds really good," I nodded. "It also sounds expensive."

"Homer will be in school next year, so he needs to be socialized. Also, the daycare is one of the best in this state. They teach kids in a very fun and easy way. He's already so smart, so why not give him the opportunity to advance himself? He'll k nkw his alphabet already, know how to count by the time he actually starts Pre-k. It's the best decision for him, and as much as I love his babysitter, she already knew that this was the plan. It has been for over a year. I paid a lot of money to get him accepted."

I just nodded. "You're right. Is there anything that I can help you with? I can help you pay for it each week."

She stood and cleared her plate and Homer's. "Okay, what do you want to do today?" She asked him.

"Can I watch movie?" He asked.

"Absolutely. Which one?"

"Uh, bears!" He answered, excitedly.

I watched her take him to his room, waiting for her to return.

"Clarke, what's going on?" I asked, softly. "Last night, and even yesterday, I thought that things were okay between us. What's wrong?"

She leaned her head back, rubbing her neck. She sat down at the table with me again, looking at me. "Look, you are his father. Okay? I know this, you now know this. And I knew that this time would come. But, this is weird. It's new, and it's not us," she explained. "Last night, was me and you. Last night was years of not seeing you after so many years of loving you and being with you. But today? This morning? This is new, okay? It's always just been me and Homer. Him having breakfast with the both of us is new. And, now I've got you questioning my decisions, which annoys me. Not because you don't deserve an opinion, you do," she said, quickly. "But, because I'm not used to this. If I say Homer gets to do something, he's used to doing it. And I am, too. Now, i may want something and you might not agree with me. And it's so hard because for his whole life I didn't need to talk to you first. I didn't need anyone else to judge or question what we do, you know? Having you back in my life is a dream, it's something I wanted from the moment you left, Bellamy. But, having you here as ours, not just mine, is off. It's just going to take some getting used to. And also, I don't even know where the hell we're going from here. Are you going to come up here on the weekends? Are you going to move up here? Are you going to live with us?"

"Clarke!" I called her name. I slid my chair closer to her, turning hers so that she was directly in front of me. "Princess, look at me," I demanded, gently. "This is new for us both," I chuckled. "You fucking amaze me," I admitted. "You manage to juggle a million things all at once. Okay? And I'm not here to take over or to push you on your decisions. I swear. I just met him, Clarke. I love him. And I am going to be a part of his life," I told her. "Would I like to be included in decisions? Yes, I admit that I do. But I will never, ever sit back and try and control things. I know that you have your own lives here. And, I have to admit that it hurts me. Watching the two of you together is like watching a show. A perfectly choreographed and practiced show, and I'm just sitting in the front row watching. Yesterday, I felt like I was included. And that's one of the best feelings I've ever felt. But, I know that I can't just come in here and change things and I don't want to, okay?" I rubbed her hand. "Let's take things really slowly, okay? I'm not going to move in here. Do I want to? Absolutely. If I thought it was right, I would have my things delivered right now. But, I'm trying to pace this. I want Homer to get used to me first. For you to get used to me. You're right, this is flipping our lives upside down. So, for right now, I'm going to, if it's okay, spend weekends here. I want to see you both and I want us to feel like a family." I leaned in and kissed her, I couldn't help it. "I'm going to move up here. That way I could come by during the week, too. I can start to work myself in. If that's okay."

She nodded, swallowing. "Yes, that's okay."

"I know you don't need me to, I know you've been doing this without me for years, but I want to help. Financially, you know? Let me help you pay for his daycare."

"You're going to need to pay your own bills, Bellamy. Especially if you're moving."

I shook my head at her, but I couldn't help the small smile. "Come on, Clarke. Baby step with me."

She sighed, but she nodded. "Okay, you can help. But, seriously, just a little bit."