Butterfly Kisses||Phan Oneshots

22: However Much I May Want To

Title:However Much I May Want To.
Genre: bittersweet, fluff, angst

Summary: Despite the fact that Phil is engaged and Dan is trying his hardest not to linger over old memories, both of them somehow manage to find themselves dancing together to Interrupted by Fireworks in the lounge at two in the morning.
Author: EchoHowell on Tumblr

Warnings: angst, swearing, Breakup
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Dan is half-asleep when he hears it.
The music is soft, calming almost. It gently calls to Dan, the sweet notes being spun together into a fragile and beautiful melody, so quiet that Dan can almost imagine it's half a dream.
Dan sits up, pushing away the covers as he strains his ears to catch a drift of the beautiful, bittersweet song echoing up from somewhere in the flat. Almost mechanically, as if following orders, Dan rises from his bed and before he knows it, is turning the handle of his door to creep out into the hallway.
The music is much clearer out here, Dan thinks he recognises the familiar pattern of notes and rhythm  but he can't be sure, he can't be sure because he hasn't heard that particular song in years, ever since-
No. Dan shakes his head violently as if the action would somehow stop his current train of thought. He's promised himself time and time again not to linger over those memories. Because however much they may hurt, however much Dan may hope and scream and wish for them to still be real, they're only memories and belong firmly in the past.
Along with what they had.
Along with what Dan ruined.
Dan listens for half a moment more before starting to follow the trail of music which beckons him onwards.
Tiptoeing down the stairs, Dan steps onto the landing leading off into the kitchen and lounge. Two closed doors face him, the first one dark and silent an seemingly completely devoid of life, however a bright light shines through the sliver of a crack of the second door, and through it wafts music that tugs on Dan's heartstrings. Dan now knows with a certainty the name of the bittersweet melody that plays, he thinks that perhaps he should back away, retreat to the safety of his room because there's only one person in the flat who could be playing that song, there's only one person who cares.
But, despite his brain's desperate scream for his to run away, Dan's hand seems to act of his own accord and he pushes on the door so that it swings open with barely a sound.
"Interrupted by Fireworks, huh."
Phil yelps, smashing the pause button on his MacBook and whipping around to face Dan with such a startled look on his face that Dan has to try his hardest not to laugh."What are you doing here?" Phil asks almost accusingly.
Yawning, Dan shuffles over to the couch and collapses down on it, "You're playing music at some godforsaken time of night. Did you ever consider the fact that there could be other people asleep in this apartment at this very moment?"
"Oh god I'm sorry, I didn't think it was that loud." Phil explains, running his fingers through his mop of unruly bed hair.
"Any other song, perhaps, but there's too many moments attached to this one for me to ignore." Dan says quietly, drawing his knees up to his chest and pretending to stare out the window, despite the fact that it was pitch black outside.
Phil turns away but from his angle Dan can see a hint of a smile appearing on his face.
The two remain in awkward silence for a few seconds before Dan breaks it with the obvious elephant in the room "So where's Liam?"
Phil hesitates a second before answering, "He's still sleeping as far as I know" Phil says, shooting Dan a look that makes his stomach clench painfully, although he can't quite figure out why.
Dan let's out a breath he didn't realise that he's been holding as he shuts his eyes tight and tries not to think of Phil's fiancé. Don't linger, don't linger, don't linger. "It's just you and me then."
Phil hums in response as he rewinds the song back to the beginning before hitting the play button and letting the familiar melody wash over them.
Dan squeezes his eyes shut and bites on his lip as he tries not to let the onslaught of memories overwhelm him. He attempts to further curl in on himself but is stopped by a soft tap on his right shoulder. Looking up, Dan sees Phil standing over him with his hand outstretched.
"Care to dance?" Phil asks quietly.
Dan knows he should refuse, they've spent ages, years building up their carefully mapped out boundaries, Phil's getting married in a week and Dan is trying his hardest not to linger over lost causes. But despite his mind screaming at him, Dan takes Phil's hand and lets him pull him to his feet, because try as he might, Dan can't ever refuse anything when it's Phil who's asking.
They're careful, holding each other at arms length, and even though Phil's hand is resting just above his hipbone as they shuffle around their cramped lounge, it's not a sign of affection, it's a sign of steadiness, of assuring Dan that everything is alright, as it should be.
"It's funny how no one dances like this anymore." Phil muses.
"It's old-fashioned." Dan reminds him.
"It's nice." Phil argues, "Better than flailing around wildly with your hands in the air."
Dan can't help but crack a smile at that.
"And...I dunno, it's more personal."
Dan can't help but stare at him as he desperately tries to render the butterflies flapping in his stomach flightless.
"It was so popular." Phil continues, "The waltz, it was the height of fashion, everybody loved it and then I don't know, it just sort of flopped."
"Oh wow it is most definitely past two am." Dan laughs, hardly knowing how to respond to Phil's spontaneous waltz rant. They dance in silence for a few more moments before Dan speaks up again, "We were a dance that flopped." he comments quietly.
Phil almost stumbles before peeking a look at Dan from underneath his messy fringe. Dan's staring at the floor with a slight blush on his cheeks and such grief in his eyes that Phil has to mentally restrain himself from not leaning forward and hugging him until he can't breathe.
"Oh Bear," Phil whispers, using Dan's nickname for the first time in years, "I'm so, so sorry. You know how sorry I am."
Dan's head shoots up at the use of his childhood nickname, Phil's staring at him with an emotion he can't quite identify and Dan can't help but feel guilty, "Don't be." he replies with as strong a voice as he could muster, "It wasn't anyone's fault. If it was, it was mine."
Dan watches Phil out of the corner of his eye as Phil continues to stare at him a while longer before finally looking away. Out the dark window at the distant sky as they carry on spinning slowly in a continuous circle, "You know Louise came to me a while ago. Told me to marry you."
Dan can literally feel the force of the words as a physical punch in his gut, he can't help but let a small gasp escape as he returns his gaze to Phil, "When was this?" he whispers quietly, unable to keep the apparent disbelief out of his voice.
Phil shakes his head, still staring out the window searching for the elusive stars hidden by the London lights, "Right after I'd proposed to Liam. She barged into the house while you were out and straight up told me that I was marrying the wrong person."
Dan can't help but let out a small laugh, "Typical Louise." he says, shaking his head and trying not to let his eyes stray the the man in front of him. "What did you say?"
Phil closes his eyes and contorts his forehead as if he was in pain, "I told her that I couldn't, I'd already promised to love Liam for the rest of my life, and well, I couldn't could I?" Phil asks, capturing Dan with his desperate gaze.
Dan tries to swallow past the lump in his throat as he can't help but picture Phil, beautiful, loving Phil who Liam or Dan could never possibly deserve. Who nobody could possibly deserve, not even the most kind and most beautiful of this world. Probably not even the distant, shining stars themselves could ever deserve Phil. He was one of a kind. Once on a zillion worlds in a zillion lifetimes.  "Of course not." Dan answers gently, unable to prevent reaching out and brushing Phil's fringe out of his azure blue eyes.
"However much I may want to." Phil's words brush over Dan, filling him with either numbing ice or a raging inferno, and he can't quite figure out which
They've moved closer now, much more than their boundaries allow, however neither of them can quite bring themselves to care about it, the music seems to have faded into the background now, the whole wide world seems to have collapsed into two insignificantly tiny points. Dan and Phil. They're spinning, turning, dancing. Both aching to somehow fill the missing piece of their souls.
"Absolutely not." Dan murmers the final words before between the gap between them is finally closed.
They're kissing, and it's quite unlike any other kiss they've both shared. The raging fire in Dan's soul seems to to have spiralled out of control, now filling his entire body with heat, with love, with light.
They're clinging onto each other desperately like drowning lovers, and perhaps that's what they are, lover, partners, soulmates, both of them drowning in the unfairness of this cruel world.
It seems neither of them is willing to come up for air, they are being suffocated by their own foolishness, responsibilities and promises yet they are letting themselves choke, if only to prolong this precious moment between them for as long as possible before they are forced to return to a desolate world entirely of their own making.
Dan registers a dim cough in the background, the shining moment suddenly shattered as Phil smashes it and moves as far away from Dan as he possibly can.
Dan turns around to see what caused such an abrupt ending to his little piece of light and his eyes land on a tall, brown haired and caramel eyed man standing in the open doorway awkwardly. Dan can't help but almost scream at the unfairness of it all because of course it's fucking Liam.
Dan almost considers telling Liam to fuck off but then his eyes land on Phil, who is shaking like prey surrounded on all sides by predators. It takes all of Dan's willpower not to run across the room and press him to his chest.
Liam clears his throat again and points at the MacBook, "Um, sorry. The music woke me up."
Um, sorry? Dan almost lunges at Liam and is imagining ways to send him sprawling to the ground right there and then.
"I'm sorry." Phil says in barely more than a whisper, "We-. I didn't notice it was that loud."
"It's fine." Dan interrupts, "I was just going to bed anyway." He pushes past Liam and tries to stumble up the stairs as fast as he can, but not fast enough to hear the almost heartbreaking last notes of the song ring out dimly behind him.
Dan collapses onto his grey duvet and closes his eyes, trying to stifle the sobs erupting from his throat, eventually falling asleep an hour later, exhausted from late night dancing, complete emotional breakdowns and the torture of being haunted by half-buried pasts.
Dan Howell dreams of spinning waltzes, half-forgotten melodies and kisses so fierce, he can't figure out whether he's flying or falling .
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Thanks For Reading
Here's an Orange 🍊
-Adrian