Our Love That Never Was

11 Melancholic

The night was cold and quiet, all I could hear was the sound of my breath and the sounds of crickets that surrounds us. You were just standing there, in front of me. I just confessed my love to you but you remained quiet. You looked shocked and once again the silence was deafening, I couldnt say anything either but i know I had to do something, so when I was to about to explain myself, then suddenly your phone rung and you immediately answered it.

"my mom called, so I need to go home" you said. At least the tension eased up a bit.

"yeah! Of course! L-L-Lets go" I said while being nervous

We went home by jeep, we never said a word to each other, we just sat there next to each other, three centimeter apart, seemed close but worlds apart. Then I got home and you went home.

After that, I haven't texted you, I literally don't know what to say and you haven't contacted me either. I don't know whats going to happen and it made feel shitty about myself. I knew that I would regret confessing to you and I knew we would grew apart, being friends was the best thing we could be. I have done it! I have destroyed what we had!

We havent seen each other for weeks and I'm getting more depressed as the days passed by. Then your birthday was coming up, I wanted to at least greet you.

I didn't reach out to you nor did you to me, so I guess our frienship or whatever it was just ended like that. It kept me thinking on why it ended, was it really hard to accept that I love you?

I massed up all the courage I could just to greet you. I felt so pathetic.

Your birthday came, so I had a reason to contact you, to at least greet you. I massed up my courage to said those two words to you. I send you a message on facebook

"happy birthday"

As I waited for your response, it was nerve cracking! That was saturday, I was doing my school works and kept on checking my phone, waiting for your reply. Minutes turned to hours, suddenly it was evening. I was dejected and hopeless, for you to ever contact me or to even say thank you for my greeting, its all my wishful thinking.

But then, later that night as I go to sleep, I saw a message notification and it was you, you replied and said "thank you"

I was happy but I wanted more so I thought it was an opportunity to talk to you cause your On-Line. So I chatted

"hey! how was your day? Its been a while huh .. More than 2 weeks since the last time to talk and saw each other, so .. What's up?"

I waited for your reply and it seemed that you didn't want to chat with me anymore, It took you thirty minutes to reply to my message and all you said was

"I'm okay 😊"

All of the signs was there, you never contacted me after my confession though I didn't either, then I greeted you and ask you how you are and you would only give me such a weak response. I'm not numb nor dumb, I knew you were distancing yourself to me. And who am I to you to even demand for more or to even ask for just a little bit of your attention.

I am nothing to you

I was hurt, the thought that you can just put me aside just like that was excruciating. I tried my best to do things right by you but Its like as if I was naver there.

"thanks for the memories" I chatted back.

You didn't even ask why I suddenly said that, so I guess that was it. I randomly said that but I knew that you knew what I meant, and the mere fact that we both knew what was happening was the saddest. We both knew that THIS was ending, that "WE" were ending, It was "Us" that was ending. We both knew and didn't do anything about it. It was unspoken but we knew.

"I'm sorry Jay, well, see you when I see you. Always take care yourself" you replied.

Then I replied "see you around Arcy"

You didn't replied after that. My eyes were bursting into to tears, and suddenly all I can feel was pain. My heart was pounding as if my chest was going to explode, it was suffocating that I couldn't hardly breath. I was sobbing so loud that my mom came rushing to my room and asked me "whats wrong?" then I said

"I'm fine, I'm okay".

I have cried so much that night, that I cried enough to see my own reflection in it. I became melancholic as I reminisce our time together and realizing that we were over. I was so heartbroken, I never thought that even friendship has break-ups. I knew you thought of me as a friend but I felt more than friends maybe that why we are over, done and ended.

There was nothing I could do than to accept everything.

NO, wrong!

There was so much that I could do but all I did was to accept that it was over. I was so weak, so weak to even fight my love for you. Too scared to pursue and prove my love for you. Too gutless to even defend the friendship we made.

For weeks, I have mourned. Mourning from losing you, You as someone that I never had. So depressed from our story that was so quick to finish that didn't even started. All My friends could do was to console me, to tell me that it wasn't my fault, to tell me to stopped being hard on myself because it was you that chose to ignore my feelings.

But the truth is, It was my fault. If only I didn't confessed my love for you, maybe things could have been better, maybe we're still the same as always. Maybe I could still stay by your side because standing there, next to you, was my most precious moments in my lifetime.

At the time, My greatest regret was confessing my love for you. Pursuing my love to you and wanting to be more than friends, those feelings were my weakest points. You were the only one that made sense, That this love was right but then I turned out to be so greedy, and that's where it became wrong, because love supposed to selfless and not greedy.

Nothing ever mattered anymore.
You were the love that will never be.
You were the one that got away.
And just like you said before, "there was no "us"", which is true.
The "Us" that ended, the us that never was.