[CLOSED FOR SUBMISSIONS] Stronger than You 2017

Part 1: Invisible people

Written by: Anonymous

It always feels like a punch to my face when I hear or read somewhere that someone could ever create a false story about domestic abuse. The weird thing on the other hand is that a tiny part inside me is glad. I know that this sounds crazy but I am glad that they don't know what it actually is, like kids using make up for fun pretending to be adults.

That's what abuse is. It is a mix of feelings that sometimes don't make sense. You try to make sense, you try to explain it so that you can process it in your brain and move on but it never makes sense, no matter how many stories you read, how many lectures about prevention or help you watch.

Do you remember when we were young and we were told that bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie and on top of it, it's a dangerous one because once it happens to you, you start blaming yourself in order to make sense. "I am a bad human being and I deserve this." Self-blaming is the first thing that comes to your mind, that someone implants that like a seed and you nourish that idea till it blooms. No victim is to be blamed. Ever. No kind of violence, emotional, physical, sexual is ever justified or should be accepted, not to mention blame the victim.

How do I know that? I used to work with victims. Even before they speak, I can easily recognize them looking to their eyes. They are always looking for an exit in case of emergency, they are never truly relaxed. I call them "the invisible ones". No one else seems to notice them.

One day I got to work with bruises. I worked all day with them being seen and no one asked me anything about them. As if they were invisible. As if I was invisible. The funny thing is that that work of the time included dealing with people that had been assaulted but the unsaid rule is "there is no assault until is officially reported by the victim". I was taking the first step, so there was nothing to be seen.

So actually, that's what domestic abuse is mostly about; silence and blindness. No one cares what happens behind closed doors. We are curious about what clothes a celebrity wore at some other place but we are intimidated to offer a helping hand to someone in need. Once I reached out and talked to someone about it, he answered back "You are too scared to open that door, because you don't know what's kept behind it for you. Once your need for change overcome your fear, your will open it."

I know all the procedures, I know all the patterns, I know everything that most people search for after something like that has happened for them. I knew in advance and yet I was trapped in a situation like that. On the other hand I was lucky because probably that knowledge is what kept me alive.

At some point of my life I got a relationship with a woman. I am a woman as well in a region where this is considered outrageous. That woman was a former celebrity who was broke at the time we met, but thanks to her former status you couldn't tell at first sight. She was gifted, had a charming personality and if she decided to make you a target, you felt as if she has put a spell on you. You just couldn't say no to her. I wasn't rich but I had a good job and made more money than the overage employee. My weakness was that I hardly had any self-confidence despite my accomplishments.

Previously bad relationships, extremely long working hours in a tough environment, almost no time for friendships due to my schedule (it was hard to keep up with their lives outside social media) drove to a personality that was respected for her social status but lonely and deprived of affection.

People who are abusive prey for people like me. I knew it but I fell for it. I got into that relationship where I was in fact paying for attention. At some point, I run out of money but I was too deep in that to run away. She had gaslighting me for months, making me question my own sanity and believe me that is a hard thing to be done, since I am a person who sticks to facts. I started rolling into depression while my only way out seemed to be giving her more money so that she would leave me at peace and not emotionally abuse me. Whenever I gave her money she was her charming self again and it looked like paradise. Whenever I didn't have any money not even for personal needs, I was the worst human being on earth.