[CLOSED FOR SUBMISSIONS] Stronger than You 2017

Part 13: Free Spirited

Written by: FreedomWithin5

Domestic Violence is not always only physical.

There are scars that can last a lifetime.

There are footprints that are made in the sand of the soul.

I have been through emotional abuse, phycological torture and sexual abuse in a domestic situation and it left me not only broken-hearted but broken down to.

I had thought that I was "in love" with the person that did these things, but in the end, they only desired control.

In the beginning it started out small, he'd make comments on everything I said, always had an opinion and instead of being the equal partner that I needed he made things co-dependent no matter how many times I told him that I didn't want him to, it was almost as if he needed me to be in a constant state of anxiety and helplessness.

I was ready to heal and get through things, but he wasn't ready to give up being a teacher and to give up the control that he thought he had over me.

In the middle things started to get worse, there were times when he would ask me if we could have sex without protection, times where he would try to convince my innocent mind that it would all be ok if we did and that it was safe when clearly, for me, it wasn't.

There were times when I caved and agreed to this emotional and physical manipulation and afterward I would feel terrible, he would blame me by saying that I agreed and getting annoyed that I would get upset all the time.

Let me be clear about something that is very important, being manipulated into doing things that you have protested about is not consent, consent is when you are with someone who is gentle with you and asks you once, nicely, and you say yes, I would like that.

Consent is not forced.

Consent is not manipulated.

Consent is not imagined.

In the ending part of the relationship things got much worse, his family started to judge me and blame me for what was happening in order to protect him, they were family to me once, but that all changed when they tried to make it out like I was the abuser to him when he was the abuser to me.

I felt like I was locked in an endless phycological torturous cage, and I couldn't get out.

My real family was far away and I thought that I could still "fix" things so I didn't want to tell them how terrible things really were, I thought that I could "save" him and help him to be good and a better person, but that was never going to be possible, because he just wasn't willing.

Every time I was close to breaking it off and leaving he would apologize and emotionally manipulate and guilt trip and gaslight me into staying. (To gaslight is to manipulate someone into doubting their own sanity)

This went on for far too long and I became sicker and sicker from it, both physically and mentally. I was always getting colds and he would get annoyed at this and make it out that I was doing something wrong, when really, I was still doing everything even when I was sick and the reason I was getting so sick in the first place was because of all of the psychological abuse I was going through!

One night everything changed.

I woke up to find him touching me in my sleep and I swear that he nearly went all the way too.

I felt traumatized, manipulated and used like a doll by someone that I had thought loved me.

He then manipulated me until I felt like it wasn't anything bad what he did and he did this until I agreed to have sex with him but I just felt even worse afterward.

I told him after that that what he had been doing was not ok and that I felt violated, that I wasn't sure if I could trust him anymore and that he really needed to earn my trust back and make it up to me if he wanted this to work.

And at first, he agreed.

But then he started to get worse again and I realized that it was all going to be like this forever, an endless cycle of abuse and emotional torcher unless I just bit the bullet and left.

So, I did.

And that was one of the best decisions that I have made because I realize now that the "love" he had for me was not true love.

Because true love does not take what isn't given

Because true love does not hurt repeatedly without end

And true love does not do unconsented, not ever.

I hope that my story of domestic violence has helped someone to see that they do not deserve to be treated so badly and that they do deserve to fly free, and with that, I will leave you with a poem I wrote, I wrote this once I had escaped the situation and had healed. Thank you.

Free Spirited.

Blurry was my fractured gaze, usually so vivid,

You put my heart into a daze and made my spine so rigid.

Faded was my view of you when you broke me down,

Jaded I became of you, all the times you made me frown.

Taken I felt taken, I was turned into a doll, mistaken you were mistaken to think I would not grow,

and fly away, out from the cage, the one you kept shut tight,

This doll is now a goddess, born to take her flight, this girl is now free Spirited,

for freedom is her right.