cigarettes & a full moon

( 21 )

    ( 21 )

      "anya, are you crying? please don't cry," felix says softly. he puts a hand on my shoulder, and tries to roll me over so he can see my face, but i sit up before he can succeed.

      "i bet he's happy i'm so upset, god, i bet he loves this," i groan. why was i so stupid? i knew cole was a confusing, and selfish.

      "no, no, no, anya. he wanted this to happen, of course he did, but he was lying to you so much, that he had to convince himself he was in love with you. he's hurting, too. that's how people like him are. they're monsters, but they still feel," felix tells me. i don't know why felix is here right now, and i don't know what he has to do with cole's brother, and i also don't know why he cares. i know he had to have gone through something like this before though, so i won't make him leave. for now..

      "felix, what do you think my parents would do if they knew what was happening right now?" i question.

      "send you to therapy. what any other parent who doesn't know their child well enough would do," he stands up then, and walks into the kitchen.

      "do you want anything?" he asks.

      "a clean slate, that'd be nice," i say, and he chuckles.

      he thinks i might be okay, i am not.

      "anya, it might be good to have cole out of your life." he says, and walks into the living room again with a glass of water.

       i laugh, and give him a small smile, "maybe," i lie.

       on the roof, i look over the half brick wall, and look how far down the drop is. i will die. i lift a leg over the edge, and then the other to sit. my legs are dangling off, and i'm glad cole isn't here to tell me some poetic bullshit that would make me interested enough to stop what i'm about to do. i take the cigarette out of my pocket, the one that cole gave me that day, along with his lighter. he didn't know i took it. i roll them around in my fingers.

        i don't want to be the stupid girl who killed herself over a boy, but it hurts, and i can't take it.

       i put the cigarette, and the lighter on the ground behind me. maybe cole will find it, maybe he'll feel guilty. maybe he'll kill himself, too, and we'll be together. i stand up, and i get dizzy, my vision blurs, but i'm not sure why. i think of myself, and everything i've done up to this point. i am nothing, i tell myself.

    "i am nothing." i whisper, and then i jump.