Not Ashamed

'Chapter One ✓

The next morning, I feel more refreshed, thank God. Axel is up before me, and we go our separate ways, which is to be expected. I guess this isn't going to be like every college movie ever, where the roommates are unnaturally close friends from the very beginning.

Instead, after breakfast I decide to check out the Arts building.

I walk out of the dormitory wearing a simple pair of jeans and a hoodie, even though today is especially warm. I find the Arts building in no time, it being the only building in this whole school that's coloured anything but grey and beige.

It has a large sign on the lawn that looks hand made, with elaborate drawings of birds and clouds, with a background of blues and teals mixed together. It's pleasing to look at, despite the fact that assholes have thrown garbage around the sign.

I debate picking it all up and throwing it out, but I decide it can wait. I continue to walk through the path and up the steps to the building, and when I'm inside, I feel a complete feeling of home.

Not like my home, of course. I never felt at home there. But, like the art room in my high school, like the drawing desk in my parents garage, like the drawing books I had scattered at all of my friends house. I don't have any of that home here, I left that all behind me.

I sigh, walking down the hall to find a room filled with easels and drawing desks, paints and pencils. I step in, feeling like I've been shoved.

There's a cart full of paints in the corner, and paintings hanging from the walls. There's a tarp on the floor that's spotted with dried paint. There's computers and a smart board with a tablet and a digital pen attached. I grin at the room, feeling complete as I skim my hands over the sketch paper. I inhale deeply. I've missed this. It's only been one day, and I already miss it.

I hear laughter down the hall that makes me jump. I force myself to turn away from the room and back into the hall to investigate. I stride toward a room with a wide open door and yellow light streaming through the gape. I peak in, finding Axel a few more kids sitting in what seems to be the theatre classroom. Axel sits on a desk, laughing at a girl with blue hair and dark eyes as she gestures wildly in a playful manner.

Axel's eyes turn toward the door and I turn quickly, but end up smacking into the open door with a slam.

"Finn?" I hear Axel say. I sigh in defeat, turning around and plastering on a smile.

"Hey, Axel," I reply, trying not to show my uneasiness as I stare around the full room.

"What are you doing here?" Fortunately, the tone in his voice isn't annoyed, it's just a simple question.

"I wanted to check out campus a bit," I lie. I can't think of why I feel the urge to keep the truth from Axel, especially when he would totally understand--he's a theatre major!--but, I decide that my real reason for coming to the art building is my business and my business alone.

"Cool," he grins. "Well, as long as you're here, want to meet the gang?" I hesitate, giving Axel an unsure look that it takes him less of a millisecond to respond to. "Hey, don't worry. They don't bite... hard." He winks and chuckles, hopping off the desk and pulling me over to the middle of the room.

"Everyone, this is Finn! Finn, this is everyone!"

I wave shyly, feeling a little intimidated.

"This is Margo," The girl with the blue hair looks up at me, smiling politely. She has on a light blue crop top that matches her hair and a sweet black skater skirt.

"Peter," A boy sat in the teacher's desk spins in the wheely chair, his black hair flying and covering his face.

"Chloe," I look around, but I don't see another girl in the room. That is until I notice one girl sitting in the back of the room, her nose shoved in a book.

"And Blake," Blake is easy to find. He's laid strewn across a clump of desks, his arms and legs spread out like he's sunbathing.

Chloe stands, walking passed Blake and Margo and holding a dramatic hand out to me.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance." She bows her head, a gentle smile on her face like she's addressing royalty.

I shake her hand and look at Axel, hoping for an explanation.

"She's practicing for a play. It's incredibly annoying."

"Shut up, you're the same way, Mr Method Actor," Chloe rolls her eyes, flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder and marching back to her book.

"Method actor, huh?" I repeat, smiling at him. Axel shrugs modestly, letting a breathy laugh escape his lips.

"Whatever. Hey, did you see the art room? It's pretty neat. They have shows and competitions and you don't have to be an art major to do them. I thought you'd be interested, you said you were interested in animation."

"I don't think I'm going to do any shows or anything. I'm done with all that. It was part of my past, I need to have a future." I get a bad taste in my mouth, knowing I'm just repeating exactly what my father would want me to.

"Oh, okay. Well, do you want to stick around? Like I said, we don't bite." He looks down at Margo and smirks. "Well, she might."

I laugh shortly, but surprise myself by shaking my head. In all honesty, making friends on my first real day of college would be wonderful, but something's holding me back. So I say, "No thanks. You guys have fun though."

I smile at the group and wave as I leave, sighing as I have to pass the art room. I shake my head and pull my eyes to the door. I leave the building without looking back.

I am not a disappointment. I will fix the parts of me that are broken.