Not Ashamed

'Chapter Twenty Eight ×

I sigh a breath I wasn't aware I was holding in, staring at my feet.

"Finn, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize--"

"Its okay," I mumble. "It's fine."

"Really, it's all my fault."

"It's alright, Axel. I'm not mad at you."

Axel nods. We walk back to our dorm room. Tomorrow, we move into Axel's parents house until we find our own place, so a lot of our stuff is in boxes or just around the floor. We say nothing when we get there. We change, and go to bed, leaving our tuxes hung up in the closet.

...

The next morning I wake up, feeling exhausted yet full of energy. I get out of bed, leaving Axel asleep. I start to pack up the small amount of items not packed yet, my hands shaky with energy. Or, maybe nerves.

I try to get my father's words out of my head, the feeling of my heart crushing when he stood to do his toast.

"Hey," I hear Axel say behind me, his voice groggy with sleep. "You're up."

I hum in response, but don't say anything in fear of how my voice will sound when I speak. I lay a few of Axel's books in the box, some of the ones he left out to read later on when we first started packing.

"You don't have to do that, I can finish up," he says, and from the side of the mirror I see him sitting up, like he's getting ready to hop out of bed.

"When I was young, my sister always told me about the day I was born," I say, my voice wistful and weak. Axel pauses, seemingly pleased to hear me talking. "She said our dad was so excited when he saw his baby boy. The first time he held me, he cried. He was so happy. She didn't take it personally, but she knew he favoured me because I was his little boy. She told me that story over and over, whenever I fought with him. I believed her everytime, too. I believed, no matter how bad it seemed, it always came from a place of love. Now I know, everything she told me, it was all a lie. She may not have known it, but it was.

"It took me until I saw them disrespect you to finally understand how little he cares about me. He wanted good things for me, because he wanted good things for himself. That's it. That's the only relationship that I had with that man, and yet, I still feel betrayed after what happened last night."

Axel stands up, coming up behind me and hugging me tightly. He plants a gentle kiss on my jawline, but I don't pay him too much attention. I know that whole night will come crashing down on me all at once if I don't make myself busy, so I step out of his embrace, grab the tape off of the now empty dresser and finish taping up the rest of the boxes. I can see him watching me from the corner of the mirror. He looks confused, a little worried, but I try not to mind him. I get everything ready for the moving truck, and before he can protest, I insist I'll carry all the boxes down on my own.

...

With sore limbs, I load the last of our boxes into the moving truck. I wipe a bead of sweat from my forehead, hopping into the driver's side of mine and Axel's car. Being university students, we don't have much money, so we went in on the car together. We very rarely go anywhere alone so it was only fitting.

In the passenger's seat, Axel is silent. He picks at his nails absentmindedly, staring out the window. Halfway to his parents house, he turns to look at me.

"Mom called earlier," he says. "She asked how you were. She didn't know if you'd want her to ask when we get there."

"Tell her I'm fine."

Axel nods, but doesn't move toward his phone. Instead, he asks, "Did you get a chance to say goodbye to Johnathan before we left? He was looking for you."

"No, I didn't see him."

"Oh."

The air around me feels heavy, but I drive normally, focusing on nothing but the road. The gravel, every pot hole, every big rig, or smart car. On anything outside of my head.

"About what happened last night..." He trails off, and I take the opportunity to jump in.

"Do we have to talk about last night?"

"Uh, no. Sorry."

We pull into the driveway, the moving truck behind us. We carry our stuff up to Axel's childhood bedroom, and I start to put things away when Axel takes my hands.

"Finn, sit down for a second."

"No, I should clean up. I-I need--"

"Finn, please." With his pleading voice, and soft eyes, I sit. "You've been mad with energy all day. Sit down for a few minutes. Relax."

"I... I can't. If I relax, I'll think, and if I think, I'll break down. I really need to be doing something right now. Anything to take my mind off things."

Axel looks a little taken aback, but he nods silently, and allows me to get back to work reluctantly.