Not Ashamed

'Chapter Thirty ×

After so long of not being able to control my stupid emotions, I pull away from Bailey. I shake my head, feeling overwhelmed and ashamed.

"Bailey, I'm so sorry. It's not appropriate for me to break down and go crazy around you. It's irresponsible, and it shouldn't have happened." I wipe tears from my eyes, mostly using that as an excuse not to see her reaction.

"Everyone freaks out sometimes. If it comes to a point where you can't control it, it's okay to break down in front of someone who cares about you."

Her reply shocks me. She is so grown up. When I was her age I was spit-balling my mom's antiques, not helping comfort adults.

"Can I offer you one piece of advice, Finn?" She asks, standing up from the floor and giving me her hand to pull me to my feet.

I dust off my pants when I stand and nod. "Sure."

"Talk to Axel. He's worried."

...

Back upstairs, I shut the door behind me and sit on the bed. I look over my hands, noticing the red mark from holding a pencil is fading. It's been so long since I've drawn anything. I haven't really had the interest or the time.

My eyelids feel heavy, but I know that laying down and going to sleep won't help me. Another breakdown will come. Forcing myself to think about nothing, either by working myself to death, or by giving up, will indefinitely cause myself and others a lot more pain. I need to get everything out in the open.

I wait, and it's not long before Axel is back. He doesn't go places long without me lately. He seems more worried about me than usual.

He walks in, and looks surprised to see me sitting up with a shirt on.

"Baby, you're up!" He seems relieved. He sits beside me and pulls me close. Numb, yet surging with emotions, I hug him back only for a moment before pulling away.

"I need to talk to you," I say simply With his sympathetic eyes on me, I don't feel like I can get a single word out. I clear my throat, but it does nothing to clear my mind. "I... I don't feel good. I feel trapped. I don't like what I've become. W-Who I've become. I want to get better. I j-just don't know how."

He smiles sadly, taking my hand and squeezing it. "I'm really happy to hear that," he says. "I thought you'd given up completely. I thought we'd lost you. But, you want things to get better, and I can help you." His voice wavers for a moment, and he lowers his eyes so he's focusing on my hand in his. "We'll get through this together. You don't have to be alone."

I pull him into a hug, squeezing him tighter than I ever had before. I don't deserve him, but I'll be damned if I don't love him.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you, too."

...

Taking care of yourself is a lot harder than it looks.

Making a conscious effort to relax, but not laying motionless and refusing to do anything. Eating healthy, getting a lot of rest, surrounding myself with people, actually leaving the house. All are a lot more difficult than it seems, but, I've been making a conscious effort, and that's what matters.

Sitting on the couch in the basement with friends surrounding me, I don't feel as warm and fuzzy as I expected to, but I feel something.

Everyone chats amongst themselves, as they usually do, leaving me and Johnathan to sit and listen. After all this time, we're still sitting here. Listening.

"You didn't say goodbye. You know, before you left," he says, making me look up from my hands.

"Yeah, I, uh, couldn't see you. I know, it's ridiculous but, all we ever do is talk and... that was the last thing I wanted to do. I meant to call, I truly did, but I couldn't."

"We don't only talk. We kiss too." He added the last part quietly, and I realize I'd never told Axel what happened that night. I shove Johnathans shoulder and laugh.

"That was one time! And I was drunk off my hinges!"

He chuckles, but the two of us become serious again. "Okay, I understand why you haven't spoken to me, but, why now?"

I sigh. "I've found myself in a bit of a rut, and I need to get out of it. I figured I could trust you, all of you guys, and you all deserved an explanation to my radio silence."

"We don't need you to explain anything. We were there at graduation. We know what happened. No one blames you, or believed a word of what your nasty dad spat about you."

A smile spreads across my face, a genuine one. That's something I haven't felt in a while. "Thank you. I... I really appreciate that. And, I'll try not to disappear on you guys anymore."

"Good." We both turn back to the view in front of us, taking in the scene of our friends all together again. It's funny that all of this started with one boy.

Axel.