Not Ashamed

'Chapter Five ✓

Weeks pass. I spend most of my time studying in my room, so now my bum feels like it will permanently have the feeling of the little wooden chair on it. Every night that I'm not studying, however, I spend with Axel and his friends. Surprisingly, the group is absolutely hilarious, but still extremely intimidating to be around. A group of insanely talented people all unafraid of chasing their dreams compared to the coward-type mess I am.

Margo likes to tease Axel about how I'm apparently "his unfortunately straight soulmate." But, she's also kind enough to tell me about all the cutest girls on campus who she also calls "unfortunately straight."

Peter, who relieved himself as also gay, constantly has a new boy with him when we hang out, and if anyone asks him about his new companion, he swears they're his future husband. Every. Single. Time.

Today, he brought in a quiet boy named Johnathan, who has bright orange hair and colourful suspenders. He didn't say a word for most of the time, only sat beside me and fondly watched Peter joke around with his friends. Me and Johnathan have never exchanged a word so far, yet he's my favourite boyfriend Peters had since I've known him.

Blake, who is possibly the straightest boy to ever live, likes to act as if him and me are two peas in a pod, just because I also denied to liking the same gender.

We have nothing in common other than that.

And then there's Chloe. Me and Chloe have become quite the companions. We laugh, and talk and I complain to her about how much I hate law school. She always laughs and tells me to quit, but I never take her words seriously.

As we sit around in the same theatre room they always meet up in, Chloe runs in with a wild look on her face.

"Guys, who is ready for our first college party!" She squeals, hopping around like this is the most exciting news ever. Axel, Blake, Margo and Peter all cheer along with her, while me and Johnathan exchange a nervous look.

That's all my friendship with Johnathan is. Random glances. Whether we're both laughing and just make a moment of eye contact, or we're both awkwardly cringing and decide to join in each other's weirdness, all we have is eye contact.

That's perfectly fine with me. Talking is too much work.

"It'll be so cool! It's an dorm party, which means everyone opens their doors and makes them cool and themed so people come in and have a good time!"

I awkwardly clear my throat to get Chloes attention.

"What if you don't want your room to be part of the party?" I ask.

"Just close your door," she says, then adds, "you will be coming, though, right? I don't care if your room doesn't participate, but you are going to come with us?"

I look around the room to find everyone's eyes on me. Suddenly feeling shy, I drop my head.

"I don't know... I'd be in giant trouble if something happened--"

"Don't be silly, Finn," Axel says, his usual encouraging grin forming on his face. "It'll be a blast! Besides, you're in university! You're an adult! You can live your own life now."

Easy for you to say, I think, but refrain from saying aloud.

"I guess I'll come." I say, looking to Johnathan as if to say, only if you will. He seems to understand, because he nods, giving me a smile.

Hopefully, he will be just as socially awkward as me.

...

I lay on my stomach, my eyes glued to my textbook. Stupid tests. Who puts a test on a Monday?

Jerks. That's who.

"Finn, can you put the book down for five seconds?" I hear Axel ask in an amused voice. I grunt in response, making him laugh.

"Finn," Margo snaps her fingers in my face, making me roll my eyes and look up at her. "It's Saturday. Stop studying, it's time to party."

I groan and close the book, sitting up and crossing my legs.

"Axel, are you ready yet?" Margo calls toward the bathroom. "He takes longer to get ready than Chloe. And Chloe can get ready all day and end up not even going out."

I laugh, knowing it's true. Chloe never leaves the house without looking incredible. It's her thing. She always looks absolutely perfect.

"Hey, looking good is important!" Axel calls back. "Not that you'd know," he adds teasingly.

"Excuse me, but I always look hot! No matter the sexuality, I could make anyone kiss me."

"Oh yeah, like who?"

"Peter!"

"Peter doesn't count, he kisses anything that walks!"

"Speaking of which, where are they?" I jump in, knowing that if I didn't now, I wouldn't get a word out.

"They're going to meet us," Margo tells me. "The two of them are probably making out by the snacks by now, if I know Peter."

I chuckle. Finally, Axel slides out of the bathroom with a snazzy grin on his face. He wears a light blue dress shirt and a casual blazer. Margo lays a hand on her forehead and pretends like she's going to faint. Axel winks at her.

"I'm guessing I look good then," he says.

"Very," Margo confirms. She grabs mine and Axel's hands, pulling us with her out the door. "Let's party!"

Standing beside Margo and Axel, I must look like a homeless person. Margo has on a red dress with a lace skirt, sparkling silver flats, and her hair french braided to one side. While I, on the other hand, have a pair of black jeans with rips in the knees and a Panic! At the disco shirt.

I make sure to close the door behind us, just in case I want to escape the party early. I don't want strangers getting drunk in my room, thank you very much.

It's not hard to spot Peter and Johnathan. Peter is laughing and dancing with a solo cup in his hand, while Johnathan is leaned against a wall, watching Peter with his head tilted to one side. His eyes flicker over to me, and he smiles, the same tentative smile he saves for everyone but Peter.

I part from Axel and Margo and walk over to Johnathan, leaning against the wall next to him. We fall into silence, listening to the unrecognisable techno music being burst through hidden speakers.

After a while, I decide that maybe it's time to actually speak with Johnathan.

"Hey," I say, finding myself feeling awkward and sheepish.

"Hello," he mumbles.

"Oh my god, he talks!" I gasp, laying a hand over my heart dramatically. Johnathan laughs, and though he's speaking with me, his eyes don't leave Peter.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Pete is constantly telling me about how I should say what I'm thinking."

"Easier said than done," I comment. Johnathan nods in agreement. "So, what's going on with you and Peter, anyway?"

With noticable effort, he pulls his eyes off of Peter. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, is everything good with you two? You don't sit together, you don't really talk to each other when others are around. It's like your entire relationship is you watching him from afar."

Johnathan sighs, looking back a Peter. "I know Pete. I know this isn't going to last."

"Oh, come on--"

"Can you honestly protest? Can you really say anything in his favour right now?" I shake my head and he continues. "He's the gay equivalent of a ladies man. I know he doesn't mean anything when he says he loves me. I wish I could leave him before he leaves me."

"Why can't you?"

He sighs, his breath shaking. "I just can't. Do you know how much it hurts to know that you're being used? That you're not loved?"

I exhale, shaking my head. "Yes, yes I do."