I have wept
Everyday but one
I'm sitting on the porch
Where I used to take your phone calls
In the middle of the night
When you would whisper words to me
That made my heart sing
I'm sitting here
Thinking of the first time you called me
How nervous I was
How excited I was
How my heart raced
And I'm wondering when you knew
When did you decide
That we weren't worth fighting for
You
have
murdered me
You've done away with the person I was
Anguished my soul
Rid me of the person I wanted to be
Because I wanted to be a person
Who could proudly stand by your side
And say
He chose me
He loves me
And I him
But you didn't
And you don't
But I still do
It's hard to move
When something inside of you has died
And yet you want to imagine
There's a spark of life
Just waiting to be fanned into a fire again
But people are uncomfortable with discomfort
They only accept your hurt for a little
And then the acceptable time for grieving
Is over
And you should be fine by now
So no one listens
And they tell you to douse the spark
Because they don't want you to hurt anymore
But what can you do
When you're best friend
The person you talked to everyday without fail
The person you went to for comfort
The person you relied on
The person you wanted to stand with for life
Has ripped a hole in your life
By deciding for both of you that it'd be best to leave
And cutting so deep you can't think of talking to him without suffering
Even though that's what he wanted:
To be able to still talk
As if he hadn't just devastated you
As if your love was disposable
As if it would be easy for you to move on
Because "you deserve better"
But you thought you had the best
Up until that moment
It'd be nice to get amnesia
To forget everything
All the way back before you were even friends
Before you saw his face and felt the first heat of a spark
Because then the pain would be gone with the memories
Or sometimes you think that
You want something bad happen to happen to you
Like getting in a car accident or becoming terminally ill
Because then he might come back to your side
In a panic for your wellbeing
But
He doesn't care now
That he is the cause of you falling apart
That your health
Mental and physical
Has suffered because of his decision
Even though you'd still take him back despite it
Because while he might be at fault
You still can't bring yourself to blame him fully
Though you do a bit
And you forgive him
