Julie Henry

Chapter 12

Next day I left Jake in bed and tip toed out of my room. I had planned on going to my grandmas place for quite sometime.
Later that night, I placed my head in her lap and weeped in silence. I felt bad. Broken. Lonely. But it wasn't something I hadn't felt before. My thoughts would shift from bad to worse I'd think of my life and cry in self pity. My grandma would softly comb my hair with her fingers.
'Why are you upset?' she finally asked softly.
'Do you not know?'
'It's been two years Jewels, you were ready that's why I sent you back'
'I thought I was too' I replied .. she waited for me to add to it. I wasn't sure what to add to it.
I've been in love with Jake ever since I saw him. Butterflies so painful they could cut my soul in half. And while I was going through the most tough years of my 18 year old life.. he went and got into a relationship with Ivy. He knew what  Ivy had put me through. Jake was mine, we were so good. No we weren't ..we were just friends back then .. and now we aren't even that properly. I feel bad cause he's in a relationship and I still feel attracted towards him. He put me through so much and it doesn't matter to me. He'd apologize and I'd be okay with him again. I'd let him walk all over me, again.
'I don't want you near boys' my grandma spoke.
'I'm 18 ' I replied
'I don't like repeating myself, so stay away from guys and that's final' she added
'You are being irrational ' I whispered. She removed my head from her lap.
'You aren't emotionally ready for any kind've relationship! I'm forbidding you from boys, if you have any respect for your dead mother then you'd listen to me and stay away from boys' she said harshly leaving the room. Leaving me in confusion.
Next morning I went by my parents grave. The two silver tombs side by side 'mr and mrs Henry' laid there still, as the wind softly blew leaves over them and away.
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*flashback*
'I'm sorry for your loss' a stranger hugged me, And then another, and then another. There was sadness in the air and I was in a dream like state, the voices blurred out as I stood there in denial. Kevin looked at me and then away, he would look at me as if he didn't recognize me. He was sitting on his knee staring at the grave with red eyes until he finally got up and came to hug me ' You are my sister, you are my family' he whispered into my ear. My brother whom I used to wrestle and fight with 24/7 was showing affection for the first time. I hugged him back and cried. I looked at him with my teary eyes hoping he'd say this is just a joke but he just burried my face in his chest and hugged me. I could hear him cry silently. Which made my state ten times worse.
Slowly as the night progressed everyone had left, except us few people. It had started to rain and Carter came to take us both inside. I obeyed her while Kevin stayed out in the rain with my ...parents.
She helped me out of my wet clothes, gave me painkillers for my headaches and fed me. She put me to bed and left. I couldn't sleep, I got out of bed and went to stare at the moon. The way my mother had asked me too. The sky was wild in anger, it poured and thundered and wouldn't let me see the moon. I was worried about Kevin. I went to go outside to check but as I opened the room door Kevin was already standing there. I had only stopped crying a while ago but seeing him forced my tears out again. 'Julie .. i promise ..I'll take care of you.. I'll be your mother ..and your father ..' he said breaking several times. I didn't reply I just hugged him in hopes that all my broken pieces would fit back together.
'I won't let you go to sleep hungry.. ' he continued in a broken voice with tears streaming down his face ' I won't let you be sick by yourself..  I'll help you with your shopping and girl stuff and I'll talk to you and I'll just be there for you ..
I'll drive you around too I promise' he kept grasping for air as he continued.
'I know you will ' I thought to myself. The next few months were grey for both of us. I had enrolled into a school here, near my grandmas house in the village. It was nothing like the school I used to go to. I barely made any friends and I'd break down into tears any time I'd hear a student whisper to another 'she's an orphan'.
I saw Jake very few times, he'd bring presents and try to make me laugh which would offend me for a strange reason. He thinks all this is a joke. I wanted nobody around me, I didn't want pity.
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Two years had past to my parents funeral, Kevin was engaged, soon to be married and starting his family and I was just a mess as ever. Everything I put my hand to I'd leave midway. I wanted to occupy myself with stuff but my focus and concentration was multiplied by zero. I felt like a zero.
I used to be a girl full of life and zest, the loudest in the room. I'd be the one talking 24/7 making jokes. And now I was a shade of gray, a background to someone else's story.. a pity case. Kevin will leave..it's wrong of me to hold him back for my selfish self. Jake and Ivy are such a punch to the throat. And even Ashley's not the same. I feel deserted, I just don't understand why I feel this way now.. I didn't for the past two years. I felt broken but not this .. whatever it is, dependent on others.. on their approval. I feel like I was disconnected from reality and now I'm being forced to accept it. Or maybe I just slept through life as people moved on. Whatever it was, I wanted to escape it, I didn't wanna go home to see my brother and his fiancé or my neighbor and his perfect looking girlfriend. I wanna just stay here at grandmas. It's quieter here.. I don't feel my self confidence breaking here.