Journal- Transgender

24

Shit. Okay I can't decide on a name. Right now and for at least a couple of months my name is Simon.

Okay all that aside, I came out to someone. Someone really accepting but still. She had asked me if I was trans in the store when my mom was there and I panicked and said she/her. I later just took her to the side and told her and she said as a guy (also accepting who I knew) that I should tell was coming by and I should come out to him. I started headfirst into a panic attack and I told her I couldn't. Later (like a minute) she was talking to the guy and another person and I freaked out because I thought she was telling him (panic attacks do funny things to my head) so I pulled her aside and said please don't tell anyone I'm still trying to figure this out and I'm not out to my family yet. She said she would never out anyone and I seemed really anxious so she said we should draw a but together to calm down. We drew. I breathed again. I calmed down.

That was eventful and the whole time after I told her I had a mantra in my head screaming a made a mistake. Now I feel better. Mostly.

Anyways. I slept. A whole eight hours! I thought it might help like anxiety and stuff but it's making it worse. My mind feels so active and not clouded with sleep that bad thoughts are filling in all the spaces. My disphoria and specifically my chest are making me sad and stuff. I keep comparing myself to others (I've been trying to do this less). Just my life is a mixed up jumble right now and all I want to do is sleep.

But I'm going to do chores and go on a run. I'm going to do this. If you guys are struggling to do things you are going to do them too. We can all do this.

Back to my name thing real quick I'm sorry about being so indecisive about my name. I just think it needs to be perfect. So it will be Simon whether I like it or not for a while.

-Simon