Journal- Transgender

29

So. I think I might have depression. That's cool. I'm looking at symptoms and story's of people with depression and it just makes sense really.

I'll just list my life real quick:

1. I can never sleep. My usual is 4-7 hours. I don't even like getting more than 8 hours now, because then I usually feel too sharp. Like I feel really anxious and like my skin is so thin and my "soul" or brain or whatever is pressing on the inside and trying to escape.

2. I wish I could eat the same amount I did. I'm never hungry anymore. The only reason I eat more than I would by myself is that my parents ask me what I've eaten today and say I should eat more food. Yesterday I was content with having a roll and 1/3 of a smoothie. But then I had to have more food. Which is good. I need food.

3. Going along with the feeling too sharp thing, sometimes I feel numb. It's one or the other most days. Like my skin is a foot thick and I just don't feel a ton of emotions. That's when I have trouble in school because I don't pay attention in class and then I don't do my homework. It doesn't feel worth it. It's also really hard to pay attention. When I'm numb I don't feel a ton but I usually just feel like I'm going to cry is I feel anything. These waves come and go, and sometimes I'm just mostly numb for a couple weeks and do poorly in school. It's fun.

4. I don't like myself. This might just be a trans thing. I don't like my body, and some days I don't like myself. Everyone is better than me. I don't feel needed. I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but that means there's always someone better. I'm never the one people come to. It just feels like I have two voices fighting in my head, not like schizophrenia, one saying that I terrible at what I'm doing or I'm anoying or a waste. The other says I am worth it, I matter. Guess which is louder 90 percent of the time.

5. In sad a lot of times and I don't draw or play video games as much as I did. I don't want to as much as I did. Kinda self explanatory there.

So there. That's the main reasons I think I may have some form of depression. Disphorias a bitch and that's fun today.

Well, have a good day everyone. Drink a glass of water, give someone a high five and let's get through this day.

-Simon