Journal- Transgender

27

I hate square dancing. More than anything. I have to do it for the next like week and a half and I'm just super pissed. My entire gym period is basically now just having to dance with someone and having that person to put their hand on my stupid feminine hips and then I have to do a bunch of stupid dancing and I just. Ugh.

Really no offense against square dancing in general, like a lot of people probably like it, but it makes me super disphoric. My hips aren't even a big problem for me but square dancing is just slowly killing me.

The things I'm disphoric about include:
My clothes
My chest
My height
My voice
Pronouns

I got in situations sometimes where I'm late for school because I start panicing about what to wear and if it looks to feminine. Now I need to pick out my clothes before I go to bed and try them on and convince myself I pass and then try to sleep.

Actually I like one thing about square dancing. I have a friend that is in my group. I for one of the dance things we have to do we get I like a star/ circle with three other people and me and them hold hands for it. They are the one that I've been friends with since forever and they like me and I like them but we are honestly the shyest / idk indecisive people to ever exist so we haven't done anything.

So school is starting soon. So shit. At least I'm getting my homework done this year.

Ooh! I could share something I made for a school project that was something you regret or something. It was basically about my sixth grade year and how that was a living hell. I couldn't put all of my real thoughts in there because it was a school project and my parents and teachers were going to read it but like. Idk comment or message me if you guys want to see it.

That year was kind of a year of discovery for me if that makes any sense. That year I tried really hard to just be a girl and I asked for make up and girly clothes and stuff and after a month if trying this I gave up. It was too much. It was not what I wanted to look like. I spent the rest if the year trying to figure out me, in a sense. On the last day of school, with my hair cut, I felt a little better.

After that I insisted on only men's clothes but I just wore jeans and hoodies for the longest time. Fast forward and now I'm wearing jeans that I like 75% of the time and my clothing disphoria has gotten a pinch better.

That first year was also confusing. Before I found the term trans and actually did a bit of research on it, I just said I was lesbian. Or at the very least bi. I just thought I was a tom boy and the feelings that I had would pass once I got older. I still don't know what sexuality I am and that's fine for me. I'll figure it out eventually or maybe I won't and that's fine.

I just need to be me.

Let's get though today.

-Simon