SHATTERED

'The Journal'

"I want to cry I want to scream..

 Ive lost my hope Ive lost my dream" 

 Jayson

 I've never thought that I'll stand in front of my bestfriend's coffin.. I looked at him and thought about the times we had together.. How fun we were when we raced our bikes to our house when we were young.. Its just sad how fast time could run and now everything is just a cold memory.. I looked at his smile.. I used to see him smile everytime i tell a joke.. He would laugh at every jokes i would tell him.. 

Now im staring at his picture above his coffin.. Cant help but shed a tear.. Cole Perry why did you do it??.. "hey Jay is it okay if i ask you to go to our house and grab one of Cole's T-shirt? I really need it thank you so much" Mrs. Perry smiled even in her smile i could still see the grief she had.. "sure thing Mrs. Perry" i smiled at her as i grabbed my car keys and went directly to my car..  

  I started my car and began to drive.. I turned the radio on and it played 'Miss you more by: Katy Perry'.. Katy Perry, Cole's favorite singer.. I smiled as I remember how we used to sing in the car when were bored and decided to have a joyride.. Cole will always bring his Katy Perry albums and sing with them.. I miss it.. I miss him..

 I cant believe that I will be burrying his body later.. The world is so fast.. It all happened so fast.. He left so soon.. He left me so soon.. He left us so soon.. Graduation is next week and i cant imagine walking on the aisle wearing toga and not seeing him walking slowly in front of me.. I could have save him.. But then I was an idiot for abandoning him when he needed the most.. I blame myself for all thats happening.. I started to cry.. If only i could scream.. If only.. "Im sorry Cole" i cried..  

  The traffic lights turned to red so I stopped the car.. I looked left and saw starbucks.. I smiled remembering how we used to chill there.. He would always order that java chip frappe with extra mint.. I find it very stupid but he likes it anyway.. I remember how he used to laugh at me for ordering plain brewed coffee and tease that its for old people.. The light turned green so i drove towards the Perry's residence.. 

I parked my car in front of the house.. I went out of the car and walked directly to the door and opened it and went inside.. The house didnt change.. I went upstairs and went directly to Cole's room.. The room didnt also change.. I can still smell Cole's perfume his sweet vanilla scent still filled the room.. I went to his closet to get some T-shirt..

 As i go grab a maroon penshoppe shirt i noticed a notebook underneath a blue shirt.. I grabbed it and opened it on the last page.. "I can't take it anymore" is what i read.. Its his journal.. I closed the notebook and ran back to my car after locking the door.. I drove back to St. Peters where they held Cole's funeral 

  I gave the shirt to Mrs. Perry.. "thank you so much" she smiled at me.. "no problem" i smiled back.. "we will not burry Cole today.. It will be postponed tomorrow" she smiled with teary eyes.. I smiled.. No mother would want to burry her child.. I want to break down in front of her i wanted to cry.. But that will never help.. I must be brave for them.. 

I went back to my car and grab Cole's journal.. I feel like im invading someones private property.. But I need to know.. As i opened through the first page.. "Read at your own risk".. I smiled, this is really Cole's journal..

 "have you ever thought about ending your life??" 

my eyes widened as i read the first paragraph.. "i've got no friends.. I've got no one to turn to.. My dad has disown me and I cant take it anymore"