Dork Diaries: Next Generation

Hollow

I feel like an empty shell of what used to be Brandy Roberts.

I'm a daddy's girl whose daddy doesn't love her. I'm a girlfriend whose boyfriend doesn't acknowledge the existence of. I'm a sister of an unborn child I'll grow to resent because of the loving attention it will get from both of my parents.

I can't talk to Terra. You'd think living with your only friend would make you closer to her. She hates me too. Terra was practically shitting bricks when I walked through her front door after getting dumped.

Emotionally emotionless tears were running down my face and she was yelling about how I'm like a "preview of the worst college roommate ever." I slept in the livingroom that night.

My phone is lost. I have no idea where it is and have no intentions of finding it. There's no one left worth calling.

I'm hollow and alone and borderline suicidal, but persevering lil' old me continues to go to school. I feel like I'm trapped in my own body, like every limb is concrete. And my life is so routine that the familiarity of it leaves me to think of all of the heartbreak.

Wake up, realize that it's not a dream, go to school, get chastised by Terra, do homework, sleep, repeat.

Everyday.

For two weeks.

*~*~*~*

"Psst. Brandy."

Poke.

"Hey, Brandy."

Poke. Poke.

"Brandy!"

"What do you want, Erin?"

I turn around in my seat to find him about to jab me in the back again with a pencil. I snatch it out of his hand and snap it in half.

"Suck a limp one, Roberts," he mumbles. I roll my eyes.

"If that's all, I have to try to not let my depression get in the way of me getting a decent grade out of this class."

"You look like shit."

"Jeez, Erin. Keep 'em coming and I might blush."

"I get that you're a cheater, but even cheaters need to take a breather."

"Even if I did cheat, last time I checked, you're the one I cheated with," I state matter-of-factly.

He gives me an award-winning grin. "True as that may be, I wasn't aware that you were still with Rick."

"Neither was I!" I yell. I catch all of the class's attention, including the teacher's. They look at me, annoyed that I disturbed the quiet serenity. I clear my throat and bow my head in embarrassment. 

Erin snorts quietly into his hand. I punch him in the arm. "So what do you say, Roberts? My place after school?"

"If you'll shut up, fine."

*~*~*~*

He makes me hot chocolate. We sit on his leather, livingroom couch, and I almost choke when he asks if I want to watch Parks and Recreation.

I'll never watch it again. So we watch The Office instead.

I know he means to talk to me about the last couple of weeks, but all I want to do is forget. I try to drown him out and watch Dwight Shrute confidently make a fool of himself, but it's hard to concentrate when Erin keeps sending worried glances in my direction. When I realize I have to concentrate to forget, I decide I might as well just talk to him and get it over with.

"Oh, for the love of God, Erin, what?" I hiss at him when he looks at me for the umpteenth time.

"My bad for being a genuinely concerned friend. There's a lot we haven't talked about, and considering you look like death everyday, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you have no one else to talk to."

I scoff at him and roll my eyes... Because he's not wrong. Will I admit that out loud though?

"Brandy, c'mon. Who else are you gonna turn to?"

He stares at me for an answer and I pout at the T.V., mad at the fact that there's no escape unless I want him to stop talking to me too.

He's all I've got right now.

"Fine," I huff. A triumphant smile takes over his face. I turn towards him and pull my legs up to my chin. "I'm starting to think I'm toxic. Every relationship I had, I've ruined, including the one with my parents."

Erin keeps quiet, and his silence beckons me to continue.

"I had Taylor, and he cheated on me. I had Terra, and I pestered her. I had my parents, and I pushed them away out of anger. And now I've lost Rick. I loved him. So much. And forgive me, but I think that's the only reason I slept with you: the pain of thinking someone you gave everything to doesn't love you anymore, and trying to forget the good memories by making different ones to mask the pain of knowing they're over.

"God, I'm so stupid," I chuckle bitterly. "And it's only a matter of time before I fuck us up and you leave too."

Erin has a true, pained look about him, and he rests his hand on my knee. "You couldn't fuck us up. I've made too many mistakes for you to be worse than me. I understand more than anyone what it's like to be in your shoes, Brandy. And from what I've learned, if you truly love these people, you'll try everything in your power to fix your mistakes."

A thoughtful smiles graces my lips, and I lean across the couch to give Erin a hug.

"Why can't you be this wise all the time?"

He laughs and wraps his arms around me. "It wouldn't make this moment quite as special."

I such and breathe him in. It feels good knowing I'm not alone. The longer we hug, the more lighter feel.

And I start to think there's still a beating heart in this hollow chest of mine.