Life Can Do Terrible Things // Ben Bruce

37. Issy's Death Song

This is the second last chapter :(

BEN P.O.V

The envelope shook in my hand as I read her handwriting scrawled over the front. I took a deep shaky breath before turning it over and opening the seal. I took out the two pages written front and back, preparing myself for what I was going to read.

To my darling Ben,

I don't know how to start this letter because I never thought I'd be writing it. In all honesty, I thought you'd die before me. I have good reason to think you'd go before me because, I mean, look at what your life was before we had kids. I'm sure that took decades off your life span. I should stop talking about your life span and actually focus on what I'm writing.

So, you're reading this, which obviously means that I've passed. Hopefully I died in your arms like I requested so I could live in a song. I wanted to write this letter to you to tell you how much I love you but there isn't enough paper on the Earth to write all the reasons why I love you the way I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. So much. You say that you love me more but I really don't think you do. When we first met and we hung out at the skeezy bar, I loved you already, so much that it hurt. I thought you were hilarious, kind, thoughtful and the most beautiful person I had ever met. I knew that you thought I was hot and when you gave me attention, I lapped it up because I didn't know how much more I would get from you. I was scared that I would only spend that one night with you and then never see you again. I was elated when you kept texting me to make sure that I was still interested in you.

You asking me to be your girlfriend was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. I knew when we were slow dancing behind the Hollywood sign with Danny interrupted every 5 seconds that I would spend the rest of my life with you. I could see a future with you clearer in that moment than I ever did. Meeting your parents on my first trip to England was terrifying and rushed and just plain weird but I'm eternally grateful to your family for making me a part of your family when I didn't have one. You gave me two of the most important things in the world, which is family and love. You will never know how thankful I am to you, the AA family and your proper family for giving me a travelling home, a home and a family that I will always have.

People said I was crazy when I took you back after you cheated on me. I know we don't bring that up but I have to now. The reason I took you back was not because I was weak, or because you grovelled so hard. The reason I took you back was because I couldn't see myself with anybody else, I couldn't see myself loving anyone else besides you. I didn't want to spend my life with anyone else, or alone and miserable. We hit some rough seas and I fell overboard but the tides brought me back to you, like they always do. I know you didn't believe me for a while but I came back didn't I?

It took us a while to get back to normal and push aside our paranoia. What really kicked us into gear was my discovery that I was pregnant. Noah was our blessing that really brought us closer together, even though I thought it was impossible. Noah is our beautiful firstborn, our perfect baby boy. I know that he'll remember me and Nirvana never will but please keep me alive in them. Half of me is inside of them and I always want them to know that. Just talk to them about me, keep my photos around, just always keep me in the forefront of their minds.

Then you asked me to marry you which I thought would never happen. You're not the commitment type and I was astonished when you even asked me to be your girlfriend. The engagement ring was exactly what I always dreamed my ring would look like. Then on our wedding day, I was talking to your Mum in the car. She told me how happy she was that we found each other. She also said that we were unbreakable. I knew she was right. The wedding was perfect and I can't explain to you how overjoyed I was that day.