Beloved

Selfdoubts

I was a few weeks into being anactress. Knowing I didn't have to film any scenes today, I sat nextto Robert Singer, the director, watching my co stars messing up theirtakes.

"We can't just stand here!" Dean shouted,"We have to get out there and look for her!" Sam shook hishead, "That'll never work. We can't just go out and startsearching. We don't even know where to look!" Dean turned toCastiel. "Cas, you can find her, can't you? Don't you have somekind of angel mojo or something? You're her brother, you have to havea way." Cas opened his mouth to reply.
"I-" ~Ilike to move it move it. I like to move it move it.~ Misha's phonerang. I never liked the ringtone but oh well. "Hold thatthought," the dark haired man said, pulling out his phone andchecking his caller ID. "It's God." He answered it withoutbreaking character. "Hello. No, Michael isn't here. Goodbye."Misha hung up and put his phone on silent, slipping it back into hispocket. "God called the wrong angel." I didn't know if Ihad ever laughed so much in my whole life before. This was justridiculous. With God he actually meant Rob, who was playing God inour current season. After Jared, Jensen and Mish were finally able tofinish the scene without screwing up, we went for lunch. It took meonly a minute to recognise that Jared wasn't with us anymore. "Guys,I'm gonna grab some lunch and go find Jare." I told my two Coworkers and bought two salads before walking towards the bunch oftrailers. I was pretty sure that Jay was in there and my thoughtquickly got proved when I opened the door of his trailer. "JareI brought you some lu-" I was stopping in my tracks when I founda body on the floor. It was the man I loved, curled into a ball. Hisface was buried in his hands and his sobs were pretty audible. Icould feel my heart shatter when I looked down at the lost figure.The normally strong, manly man who comforted everybody on set washaving a hard time himself. He looked like a 3 year old whose parentsjust left him for his first day of pre school. I put the salads ontoone of the counters of Jay's trailer, walked over to the crying manand laid down next to him. I wrapped my arms around the torn figureand smiled sadly when Jared responded, burying his face into mychest. We were laying on the floor like that for about half an hour,me cuddling and hugging my precious man as he cried into my chest.When his sobs finally faded and he was starting to breathe calmlyagain, I ran my hand through his hair, trying to comfort him. ''I'msorry." Jare mumbled into my chest but I just shook my head."You don't have to be sorry. " I whispered and planted akiss onto his hair. The tall man nodded slightly and a soft smile wasplaying around my lips when he dozed off to sleep. We were layingthere for about ten minutes, my arms still hugging the sleeping man.I looked up when the door of his trailer opened and a very familiarlooking man walked in. "What happened?" Jensen asked with asad expression on his face. The fact of Jared crying and being a messdidn't seem too strange for my friend and co star. "I found himlike that." I answered, my voice quiet so I wouldn't wake up thesleeping man in my arms. J sighed slightly and slipped down the wallnext to us. "It's not the first time that he's like that."The actor told me, he himself keeping his voice down. "Whatcould possibly be terrible enough to destroy him like this?" Iasked and Jensen gave me a sad smile. "His selfdoubts." Theman answered and I nodded understandingly. I had to fight withselfdoubts for pretty much all my life, knowing exactly how Jarefelt.

Jensen and I were sitting there forquite a while in comfortable silence and I watched my love breathingsoftly, his eyes closed. He truly looked like an angel. "I'mgonna go tell the others that Jay needs another hour. Maybe we canshoot some scenes without him until he recovers. " Jensen saidand stood up. I nodded and gave him a soft smile before watching himwalking out of the trailer. Only a few minutes later, Jare woke upwith a soft yawn. I smiled again and brushed through his smooth,sandy hair. "Good morning sleepyhead." I whispered. "You'restill here." Jay stated with a raspy voice which I thought wasextremely attractive. "I am. I'm not gonna leave you, especiallynot in the state you are in." I whispered and kissed his cheek.The tall man stretched and got up on one of his elbows. "If youwant to talk about it, I'm here." I mumbled with a soft smile onmy lips. "It's just because of some stupid selfdoubts." Jayexplained and stroked his thumb along my cheek. He continued andtraced the lines of my lips, my eyebrows, my nose and other parts ofmy face. I smiled into his touch and kissed his fingers when theytraced my lips. "Sometimes, well alot of the time I think I'mnot good enough. I doubt myself and everything I do and although I'vegot Jensen, Mish and my kids I still feel like that." He toldme, placing a kiss on the corner of my mouth. "I know how itfeels. You can't imagine the times I doubted myself and everything Iever did. It's hard to believe in yourself sometimes especially whenthere is nobody to show you that you are good. But you are precious,Jare. You are more than good enough. You are the best, always wereand always will be. You are the most precious man I ever met with aheart bigger than the sun and a soul as pure as the clearest water onearth. And if from now on I have to tell you that every single day, Iwill. I will make sure you never doubt yourself again and make youunderstand that you are definitely good enough. You are more thanthat. To me, you are everything." I told the man I loved,locking eyes with him. It felt like with every word, every second Igot lost in those beautiful eyes I was really able to show him howamazing he was and how much I truly loved this gorgeous man. Therewas a moment of silence and the most beautiful smile he ever had onhis lips before Jare lowered his head, ressing his lips on mine. Theactor pulled me into a gentle but very meaningful kiss and I didn'tknow why but it seemed like he finally understood and started to lovehimself again. Sure, it was just a baby step but it was at leastsomething and I wanted to make sure that he would never suffer likethis ever again. This was everything I really wanted. I wanted him tolove himself and understand that he was more than enough, that healways had to keep fighting. For himself, for his kids, for hispretty amazing life, for his fans and maybe even a little bit for mebut most importantly, he had to keep fighting for himself. Him andonly him.