drowned energy » poetry

because i was green with envy

i don't know what to say but i know you're demanding a story from me so here we go.

the whore and the celibate, the atheist and the monk. i don't know who's who, i think we can all find a part of those labels in which we identify.

i attempted to get drunk sunday night because i thought i couldn't feel the world if i'm intoxicated.

bullshit. i felt everything.

i felt your disappointment from my lack of responsibility and how a frosted glass of grey goose took me to a different realm every time i blinked.

i'm sorry, i've should have drank her merlot instead.

i didn't listen to frank that night, but to the silence near my grandfather's urn as i felt both joy and shame wash over me. do you know what's gotten into me?

frank's voice would have revealed my lack of sobriety to the whole world so i let deathly silence, then a train ride through suburbia, then a love psychologist lull me to sleep.

maybe if you would've been there, you could have prevented all of my mistakes. i could have focused on generic tylenol instead of french vodka and perhaps, i wouldn't have been such a fucking mess.

life is just hard and it's sunny when alcohol is involved. i feel a certain enlightenment that i only i feel when it's just us together.

and since you weren't with me that sunday night, i drank until you feared i was dead.

all of this because i was, and i still am, green with envy.
---

the next day only makes the drowned feelings resurface ten times stronger.