FACADE ( the GazettE Tale )

Chapter Twenty Eight : Without a Life

I lit another stick of nicotine.

This was my fourth for this hour and I was just getting started. Yesterday, I finished a pack in just an hour. I wasn't thirsty. I wasn't even in pain. I made this a hobby to keep myself from going crazy.

It was March, and it's been five months since the last time I saw Aya - since the last time that I fought with my own beast. I never thought that there would be a time that I'd wish I was suffering that torturous pain. But here I was, wishing that I was in sorrow. Because if I was then that only meant that I was near her.

But I wasn't. I was completely at unwanted peace. My beast hadn't showed its menacing face since.

I wasn't sure if I could go and touch another human let alone kill it.

I took a long drag as I watched a group of teenagers at the living room. They were all having fun, sucking faces and throwing red cups filled with hard alcohol.

"Hey Ruki!"

A tap on my shoulder made me looked back. A tall white guy was grinning drunkenly at me.

"Ye havin' fun?"Matthew asked with his strong Scottish accent.

I was staying here at Glasgow.

After I went home after finding out about her stepfather, I packed all of my things and went straight to the airport. I didn't know where I would go when I got there.

Glasgow was one of the few choices I had when I went to buy a ticket. I picked it since I remember Matthew was staying here. He was one of the humans I became friends with when I was trashing my existence around.

I blew the remaining smoke and dump the stick on the ashtray beside me. It was boring. I never liked scenes like this but he forced me, saying it would be fun.

"It's good. But I have to go."

He looked at me disapprovingly and shook his head. "Ye just got here! Come on, drink some of this shit!" He swayed but held himself and pushed a red cup to my hand.

"You know I don't drink and I really have to go." I shouted at him over the blasting music from the speakers as I put the cup on the table and patted his arm as I walked away. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Cold wind and silent dark street greeted me when I closed Matthew's door, completely blocking the loud sounds from the party in his house.

Spring was almost here. I liked winter better. It was cold, the sky was crying countless of frozen teardrops. It was numbing. It was lonely. It was quiet.

Before all of this happened, before I even met her - I continued to exist without a concrete reason of my being. I was just here.

But now that I found my reason, I didn't know what to do without her. It was as if I was in the middle of the sea, wishing to drown but instead, I was floating endlessly to nowhere.

She was my forbidden. My temptation. My sin. My war. My pain. My suffocation.

She made me want to live a worthy existence, and I couldn't function right without her.

She was my life.

And now, here I was - lifeless.

I walked in the cold and took another cigarette from my pack. It was two in the morning and the whole neighborhood was fast asleep, I was the only one walking around the place.

It's been a while since I lived like this.

Alone, independent, free.

I loved it, until I experienced how it was to be with someone. How it was to be with her.