FACADE ( the GazettE Tale )

Chapter Thirty Five : The First and Last Drop

I thought I died. It felt like it.

I hope I died. I didn't want to exist.

It was too painful. This was the worst pain that I'd felt.

I could feel it on my head, on my arms, my body, all of me.

Everywhere.

I was aching - inside out.

I held her lifeless body, hugging her closer to me.

I knew that I would be facing the world on my own, once again.

That I would never experience the wonder of life, the wonder of her.

For the first time since I exist, liquid streamed down from my eyes. I couldn't stop them. They were accompanied by the pain and sadness I was feeling. They attacked me one by one and then all together.

It was hard to breathe. It was hard to see. It was hard to hear.

It was as if I was suffocated by the air - the clean air without her scent.

It seemed like I was blind - everything became black.

It was too quiet - I couldn't distinguish other sound.

The last beat of her heart echoed and repeated in my head.

Pushing me down, enclosing me in, locking me... crushing me.

A cry escaped my lips. But it didn't lessen the grief.

I wasn't surprised. I knew this time that the pain would stay. It would be just a matter of time until I'd be devoured completely by it.

It was not her gaze that was consuming me right now but the sorrow of loosing her.

I gnawed on my knuckles, trying to control my sobs.

Vision of me without her came flooding in my mind. I didn't want to live like that.

I had exist that way before and I didn't want that to happen again. I didn't want to be alone.

My hand moved to feel her heart, but it wasn't beating anymore.

I may be late. But I wanted her back.

I knew I couldn't handle this pain either. I was weak. Getting weaker every second knowing she's dead.

My source of strength became her and right now, I didn't know where to get one; even an ounce.

I wanted her back. I needed her.

I pumped her chest with both of my hands trying to wake her heart.

First pump. Second. Third... Fourth...

"Come on." I said through my teeth as my eyes shed more tears.

Fifth.... Sixth.... Seventh pump.... Eight.... "Aya..."

I pushed on her chest again and again. I lost count of how many times I tried to make her heart beat again but it didn't work. I stopped, at the same time my hope lessened.

I sat back, fisting my hair with both of my hands.

How could I continue to exist plainly when I had experienced how great it was to live?