It's A Long Story

part 11.

I feel very alone. I think I haven't felt like this since the day after my mom's funeral.

That day I was just so empty. I couldn't do anything. Linn tried to get me out of bed and I got so mad at her. I just couldn't understand how she could stand up knowing that her mother had died a week before.

I was just 11 years old, but I processed like I was an adult. At least that's what my therapist told me.

Lexa's probably laying in bed thinking. Just like I am.

I can't see her. I really can't. It would be humiliating to me. She should't be worrying about me, that's exactly what I didn't want to happen.

"Nathan, you up?" Tyler yells from the livingroom.

"Yes, I'm here." I yell back and get out of bed. I put on my pants and walk towards the livingroom.

"Why is my mirror broken?" Tyler says while he's looking at his broken mirror. There's still some dry blood on it.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. It was... it was an accident, my... Lexa came over and it didn't go so well." I ramble on and Tyler seems confused.

"Lexa from the graffiti?" He says and I nod.

"Why was she here?"

"Linn called her and told her everything. I didn't take it very well." I say looking at the mirror.

"I understand..."

"I'll pay you back, or I'll even buy you a new mirror. I promise." I say and Tyler grins.

"Yes, you will." he says and laughs.

"I think I'm going out." I say and grab my coat from the couch.

"Okay, I'll see you later." Tyler says and walks to the kitchen.

"Bye." I say and I leave the apartment.

I really need some time alone. I don't know where Linn is. She's probably taking a break too, after all that happened.

I don't blame her for telling Lexa. Linn is a bit more fragile than I am. I understand that it's difficult to handle this. I just want to help her, even though I know that's almost impossible.

I look at my phone and see that I've had 17 texts from Lexa and 1 from Linn. I open them and as I expected Lexa's texts are all 'are you okay?' or 'Please talk to me.' I don't want to talk to her right now. Maybe later.

The text from Linn says: 'I'm going for a walk, see you later.' It's from an hour ago. She must be taking a long walk.

The cold winter breeze hits my face and I slowly regret not putting a scarf on.

Christmas is in a few days and I really don't feel like celebrating right now. Why do these things always happen at the worst possible moments?

After walking for 20 minutes I decide to call Lexa, she must be worried and I don't want her to be.

"Nathan?" Lexa's calming voice says, I didn't realize I missed that voice so much.

"Yes, it's me. I just wanted to... talk." I say

"Yes, of course. Shall we meet somewhere?"

"Okay, meet me at the Manhattan bridge." I say

"You're all the way there?"

"Yes I had to clear my mind."

"I understand, um I'll meet you there."

"Okay, Bye." I say and hang up the phone.

I don't know if this was a good idea, do I want to see Lexa right now. Of course I do, I already miss her even though I've seen her yesterday.

That says something.

I sit on a bench that's facing the Manhattan bridge. I love to sit here, especially when it's early in the morning and there aren't many tourists.

After the holidays I need to find a school. I can't just drop out now. Otherwise I'll never find a job. Maybe I can go to Lexa's school, I heard that Harlem High is way less strict and I probably need that.
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"Hey Nathan!" I hear Lexa yell behind me. She's riding her bike towards me.

"Hi" I say.

Lexa steps of her bike and drops it against the bench. She sighs and drops herself next to me.

I don't know what to say so I wait until Lexa says something. It takes a few minutes until she takes innitiative.

"I'm sorry." She whispers. She doesn't look at me, she just looks at the water in front of us.

"It's not your fault." I say

"I know, but I shouldn't have taken part in any of this."

"It's okay, really it is." I whisper.

"Okay, but Nathan. You've gotta talk to someone. It doesn't matter who, you can even talk to me if you want. I just want you to know that I won't tell anyone if you don't want to. You can trust me." She says with pity in her deep blue eyes.

"I trust you. I do, but I can't talk about it. I just... can't." I say

"Nathan, you can talk to me. I won't judge you. I won't push you. I'll just listen. Talking about it will clear your mind. Believe me, I've done it too." She says. I don't know if I should talk to anyone about this. I don't want to sound like a huge crybaby, that's all I wanted to avoid.

"I'll think about it." I say and I really mean it. I will think about it.

"Good." Lexa says and sighs. "So quick question, just to get your mind of of this. Do you want to join our secret santa thing. It's gonna be fun." She says a bit more enthausiastic.

"Umm, only with you two?" I say

"No, me Sean, Brian, Anna my best friend and Dion. Dion just moved here from Italy and he needs some friends." She says

Shit, I don't have that much money to buy a present.

"Um. Okay, but I don't have a lot of money." I say and Lexa gets a big smile on her face.

"Yess, No that doesn't matter at all. We're not doing expensive presents." She says

"So, while we're at it. You can immediately pick a name. I have my secret santa box with me." Lexa grabs her backpack and grabs a little box with little wrapped cards.

She looks at me as a sign to pick a card, so I pick a liece of paper. I open it and it says: Sean. I don't know if I should be happy or dissapointed. I don't know Sean that well, but it's better than Anna or Dion. I haven't even met them before. On the bottom of the card is a list of hobbies. It says: Basketbal, travelling, skating and eating chocolate. Okay, I can work with that... I think.

I put away the card and Lexa grins curiously. "Happy?" She asks like she's the new Sherlock Holmes who's job it is to find out exactly who I picked.

"Don't you want to know, little detective." I say and smirk at her.

"No, I don't. I promised this year I'm not trying to find out about everyone's secret santa. Last year just wasn't a surprise anymore, because I told everyone." She grins

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" I smirk and Lexa punches my shoulder and grins.

"Hey, I tried... For a day."

I laugh, even now she makes me happy.

Now I'm really sure. I love this girl, I really love her.
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