sent ➳ phan

118

grae: my updating schedule flew right out the window. (as well as my sleeping schedule)

i dont know what possessed me into updating this fic when i still have so much to do.

(will probably edit this if i have time)
—

phil

the trip to dan's place was nerve-wracking. i shouldn't have been this nervous for visiting my boyfriend but i am. i can't think of anything to sau but "i'm sorry". i should've pushed my insecurities aside and thought about how he feels.

when i reached the howell's residence, i wasn't expecting his mum's warm welcome, offering me tea to which i politely refused. i told her that i wanted to see dan and she just told me that he's been really down these days, that maybe i could cheer him up.

it broke my heart knowing that i caused that. he didn't even tell his mother. i truly don't deserve him.

releasing a deep sigh, i finally knocked on the door to his room. there was a short pause before i hear faint footsteps as i try to compose myself before he inevitably opens the door. and when he did, i tried to will my heart to stop beating so quickly.

"uh, hi," i said, the moment he opened the door. his expression didn't change, it was like he doesn't care. i was about to ask if we could talk when he slammed the door on my face.

what.

i don't know what was i expecting but it definitely wasn't this. i know he had the every right to do that. i was being unfair. but it was... overwhelming. i'm having a hard time believing that—

before i could even formulate any rational thought, i felt myself being pulled into a room abruptly. suddenly, there are arms clinging into my torso tightly, burying his face to my shoulders. it almost feels as if he never wants to let go. i hugged back just as tight. it feels like forever since i held him like this.

we stayed like that for a few moments, just relishing each other's warmth. until i felt a wet patch on my shoulder. i went rigid and tried to disentangle myself from dan. but he wasn't letting go.

with gentle hands, i pried dan's arms away from me and he was lax this time, his head still on my shoulders.

my hands found his cheek and lifted his head off my shoulder. he turned to face me, revealing his tear-stained cheeks. the sight broke my heart.

"oh, dan." i pulled him in my arms again. he whined, his hands clinging on the back on my shirt, "baby, i'm so sorry. this is my fault." i felt him shake his head on my shoulders.

his grip grew tighter, "please don't leave me." his voice muffled by my shirt.

"i won't leave you, baby. i'm sorry it was a mistake." he cried a bit harder at that.

he eventually lead us to his bed without breaking the embrace, i fell on my back with a soft thump, with him on top of me.

he turned his head to face me, his chin resting on my chest, "i'm sorry i made you think i didn't trust you. i—just, i'm really bad with jealousy." i reached out to wipe the single tear that fell on his cheek.

"it's not your fault, i should've understood. it'll be natural for you to feel jealous." my hand slid up from his cheek to his hair, stroking it tenderly. "but really, nothing is up with peej and i, there never was. we were never more than friends."

"i know that now, i—i'm sorry." he tucked his face on my neck, "i'm—i, i—my ex-boyfriend used to—he—never mind."

ex-boyfriend? he never mentioned any ex-boyfriend. we don't always have talks about our ex-lovers, but he used to ask me about my previous relationship. and it made me realise that he never told his.

"ex-boyfriend? i thought you've never been on a proper date?" i don't intend to interrogate him, i really was just curious.

"i didn't want him to count. i just want to forget that i dated him altogether." he let out a sigh, "can we talk later? i just want a cuddle."

i smiled, "of course," i placed my hand on his hips and he hummed contentedly.

i don't know if it was me but i felt like he wasn't comfortable talking about his ex and i respect that.

maybe someday, everything will be better. maybe we wouldn't have to argue about stupid things. maybe someday, we'll learn to be perfectly honest around each other.

but for now, i just want to bask on the warmth of the person i love.